The Aftermath

Here lies Lindsay. Rest in Peace.

Cryptic message, huh? But, as KB once said, "I’m not in the mood to be alive today."

I’m not gonna kill myself or anything. I’m just overwhelmed by the aftermath of Franklin College. It has only been a few days, but being at home is weird now in a way that it never has been.

My parents bug me just like everyone’s, but they have never bothered me the way they do now. I’m lacking social interaction in a bad way. I called everyone in my cell contacts list today, just trying to find people to talk to without bothering my boyfriend, because he’s busy. I can’t get on Yahoo messenger or even Yahoo games where I can chat with members of my online pool league. My parents put some software on both home pc’s that blocks it.

I’ve felt kind of worthless and directionless. I’ve been grouchy and distant. I’m afraid I’m losing touch with my friends, Casey, and worst of all, myself.

I spent much of today thinking that I’ve lost so many friends, and don’t really have anyone to hang with here anymore.

As of recently, Michael has completely stopped talking to me. He didn’t even tell me he got a new girlfriend. The only response I have received after many phone calls, IMs, and emails, was from her (Stacy). She basically emailed me, bitching me out like I was attacking her. I don’t know what gave her that idea. I just want to talk to Michael. I love him and I miss him. He helped me get through college, and supported me when other friends weren’t around. I wanted to thank him, and talk with him about life and music. And he said he’d ALWAYS be there for me, and would never let a girlfriend come between our friendship. I’m really beginning to think he lied. The worst thing is that I can’t stop thinking about this conflict. I can’t stop thinking about why he hasn’t called, and what he might be saying, or what Stacy might be saying. I can’t stop thinking about what I did to cause this, and feeling remorse for everything I’ve done that might have hurt him. I want my best friend back, and I always said that he wouldn’t get rid of me that easily. While I’m not gonna stalk the guy, I meant it.

And on top of all of it, I’m just so damn lonely here, and unsure about most everything. I keep wondering if Casey and I are looking for the same thing, and looking for a good time to talk about it. I never get out the things I really want to say for one reason or another. Sometimes after a good conversation, I think we are both on the same page, and then a day later, I start to doubt it. Some days I think we are very connected, and other days I think we could only be more severed if we weren’t officially dating. I want more from this relationship. Not a lot more. Not a major commitment, but something to reassure me that we are headed in the same direction- together. I mean, we have been dating for a long time, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Stephanie called me today and asked if I might think about getting an apartment with her on the South side. I think that’s a great idea, provided Casey doesn’t change his mind (and I don’t think he will). I still don’t understand why he is so set on living at the fraternity house. He seemed to make up his mind rather abruptly, and it might have had to do with not wanting to discuss the option with his parents. But if I move in with Stephanie, that pretty much means that I will have to live with her for a year, whether Casey changes his mind or not. And if Casey does want to begin making a life with me, it probably won’t start for another year. I don’t know.

I’ve been pouring my heart out here, because I just can’t seem to find anyone to honestly rant to.

Thank God for K-Ho. I went to Madison tonight and we went to a movie and Taco Bell, and Wal-Mart. I missed her. She’s all I got here now, I think. We talked a little about all of this, but she has to work in the morning. She said she might come down to my neck of the wood on Thursday afternoon. I hope so.

For now, I’m gonna try to sleep. Athough, I’m usually awake till 4 or 5 with insomnia. I’m gonna try to remember that I’m not completely alone, and that my friends love me even if they aren’t talking to me for dumb reasons (I hope). I’m gonna try to focus on the fact that I love Casey so much, and I want so badly for things to work out between us. I’m gonna try to realize that I’m just in transition- in the aftermath of a rocky college career, and that I’m smart and capable, and that things will work out in the long run.

For tonight, on my basement sofa,

Here lies Lindsay. Rest in peace.