The Victim

It has recently come to my attention that we are all victims of someone’s anger, frustration, hate, jealousy, etc. But, we are all guilty of making ourselves the victim.

I’m tired of “us” vs. “them” mentalities, of which I know I’m guilty. I get frustrated by other’s animosity toward me and my life. It only creates animosity on my part. I never had any intention of developing such feelings for these people. In fact, I used to be very friendly with all of them (and still am sometimes).

For instance, the girl in the front row whose glares I cannot stand. No angry words have been exchanged between us, but there are jealousy issues on both sides that we recognize. She glares at me on campus, especially when I’m with him or if she hears me talking about him. I need to forgive…and somehow get the unwanted resentment out of my head. I don’t want to hate. I don’t wish bad things for her. Writing this helps.

Back to the victim-

“Can you believe that shit? She did this…”

“I can’t stand him…why does he treat me like this all the time? I didn’t do anything to him.”

Words making ourselves the victim of others. I’m tired of it. My theory is that it’s all a lack of communication and understanding. But I see no way to resolve such a matter after all this time. Ignoring it doesn’t seem to work, because something happens to well up resentment in my veins again.

And I’m the worst kind of victim, honestly, because I’m a victim of myself. I am angry and frustrated at myself. I am jealous of the person I used to be, and the person I wish I was and know I could be if things were a little different. I start to hate myself…and I let myself become a victim of me.

The important thing to understand is that nobody else’s words can change your ways. Changing your outlook is easier said than done. Sometimes it works for a day or a week, then cuts off like it never happened. And people hate you for it. People get frustrated at you for it. For something you don’t mean to happen. How many times can you say you’re sorry before nobody believes you anymore? People get angry, and yell, and talk about you, and make themselves a victim of your life, just as you are doing the same thing to yourself. And I see no solution. Is anybody really able to understand another’s situation? Probably not. Do you really understand your own situation? Probably not.

I’m tired of being a victim of myself or somebody else. I’m tired of people thinking they are victims of my words and actions.

Who’s the real perpetrator in these situations?

And what happened to forgiveness? Forgive me, please. I’ll try to forgive you. Forgive yourself, please. I’ll do what I can to forgive myself, too.

Does this make sense? Probably not to you. Although I hope so.

I know my words will never get through to some. And that’s okay. Let’s not hate. Let’s not be disappointed. Let’s not be angry and frustrated and jealous and judgemental.

Let’s be tolerant of other people and their words, actions, and ideas. Don’t understand? Don’t agree?

Live and let live. Compassion, forgiveness, love….maybe I just cling to those idealistic things as if they really exist in everyone. I hope they do. More than anything, I hope they exist in me, and I hope that they come through when people look at me and hear me and try to understand me.