“Say something I’m giving up on you.”

Christmas is even closer now. I think I will start wrapping presents tomorrow. Wednesday, Skye and I will be baking cookies and I will probably go deliver some when we are done. I know I should take the kids and look at the lights, but I think I will wait and do that on Thursday. I am really looking forward to just delivering cookies on my own and blaring music. I am happy for the time off work and it’s nice having the extra time with my kids, but even if it is just a couple of hours, I desperately need some time to myself. I try really hard to make every holiday special for my kids. Truthfully, though, it’s rough for me. I miss my dad and my mom. I know I’m going to hell for thinking this… But if my dad were alive he would be there for me… It would have been easier for me if my mom had been the one to pass. Maybe then I could understand why she isn’t and never really has been around. Our relationship was okay at different intervals of my life, but it never last. As a child I wanted to know her SO badly…. I never could have been prepared for the disappointment that would come with finding out who she really was. I always believed that it wasn’t me she left, but rather a bad marriage. I resented my dad for being a bad husband. I resented his protection. He always ran her off when she came around. I really thought it was him being selfish, but I see now it wasn’t. He truly was trying to protect me from the hurt and disappointment that she always serves up. One year for my birthday, she promised she was going to come to see me. I stubbornly refused all of my dads attempts to distract me so that I could wait for her. I waited all day…. She never showed up. She did call me that night. At the time I lived in Pennsylvania and she was in California. She called me to say that she was so sad that she couldn’t make it for my birthday so her boyfriend took her to Disneyland as a surprise. I remember being SO hurt but I didn’t want anyone to know. I cried myself to sleep that night. I could hear my dad screaming at her on the phone when he thought I was asleep. It only made me feel worse.

E still isn’t talking to me. I desperately want to talk to him and put a band-aid on the gaping wound of our relationship. I can’t bring myself to reach out to him again though. I can’t stomach the idea of rejection right now. I am really getting close to giving up. I want to say that I am done and truthfully that would probably be for the best, but I know if he took the initiative to reach out to me… I would probably close my eyes and jump right back in. I know it isn’t healthy and that it is time for me to work on myself and let love find me when I am ready, but I miss him so much. I guess only time can tell what will happen next. It’s probably going to be weird to date again. There’s always the awkward explanation as to why I still live with my sons father. We are a family and with my sons autism it’s very difficult for him and for us to break up the family unit. I love R, but it isn’t romantic for me. Sometimes I think he still thinks we will work it out in the end because we are a wonderful team when it come to co-parenting and coming together to make our weird little family work, I hate the idea that I may be misleading him

I thought that guy from work might be a good match. He is polyamorous and lives with his gf and her husband. We slept together once…. At work. It was pretty hot. Unfortunately, my interest dwindled when the conquest was over…. Sadly that happens a lot.

Then there is my best guy friend. Lord is that complicated. The lines got blurred and i am desperately trying to keep him in the friend zone as I cannot bear to lose my confidant. He is not staying where I keep trying to trap him. We were talking about my birthday the other day and how I plan to take a vacation alone. He suggested we spend it together which was cool until he said ” so I can show you what it’s like for your birthday to be all about you.” Then it didn’t sound cool anymore. E would he furious if he knew how often I talk to this friend. I don’t like him to know everything…. He gets so jealous. It’s easier to tell him what he wants to heat. It does, however, baffle me that he thinks I should just sit around desperately waiting for him to pay attention to me or want to see me. What the heck am I supposed to do with all that time in between. I am not saying I should sleep around but isn’t having friends okay? Not if you ask him.