Why, yes, I am awake at 1:52 in the morning.
I got woke up this morning (well… yesterday) by the smell of coffee. It was unusual for me to wake up to a smell, but the smell of coffee is the one thing that has always made me feel better; not drinking it, just the smell. Even when I had morning sickness while pregnant, a pot of coffee brewing made me feel better. I am not a coffee drinker. I have never liked hot drinks much; however, my mom purchased a Kuerig, and we loved it so I bought one. With that came coffee, hot tea, cocoa, etc. I usually have my alarm set for 6:45am. This way I can make sure Alexandra gets up in time for school. Whitney is usually gone by that time. Apparently this morning she decided to fix coffee. It was ten minutes before my alarm went off so I just got up, because I had a cardiologist appointment this morning. I didn’t know Whitney had fixed coffee until she got home. There was not sign of it. I asked her, and she said she poured it in her water bottle and took it to school with her. In any case, it was pleasant to wake up too.
When I got home from work yesterday I didn’t feel good at all. I was really just super exhausted, but it was weird. Kind of like I felt when I had pneumonia, but without the pain or nausea. I can’t really explain the feeling. It was different than I had ever felt before, and this actually scared me. It was kind of how I felt when Darrel passed away, and I thought that something might be happening I didn’t know about. When I woke up, was still not 100%, and this is why the coffee was pleasant.
I woke Alexandra up. She jumped right up. I think she knew she would be in trouble if she didn’t since she missed the bus yesterday morning. Two days in a row would not be good. I also cannot afford for my children to miss more school, because we are going to Texas and I believe that is going to make them miss a couple of days. I haven’t quite decided the day I am going to leave yet. As soon as Alexandra left for school I finished getting ready, and left to go to my appointment. I got there and had tons of paperwork to fill out.
Funny, I talked to the doctor for a long time, more than a normal doctor visit. He didn’t schedule any new tests for me really, other than a sonogram of my heart. He looked at my old medical records from both cardiac doctors. When he listened to my heart he made sounds like, hmmm, my, and just had a look about him. It was more of an intreague, like he heard something he had not heard before, but said nothing. He typed a lot. Then he said he wanted to see me back in two months. He wanted time to review the about 700 pages of reports I had. He did say, he would probably call me back sooner after he read everything. He said he had some homework to do. Hear is the thing… He said nothing, no opinions, nothing he noticed, nothing. But, oddly enough — I think I like this doctor.
I need answers, solutions. I need him to be concerned and to look through everything and figure out if there is something someone missed between the two doctors. I need him to see if there is something he can do to better help me. I don’t want a heart transplant. I want answers. I am very young to have this kind of problems. He put me on more medicine. I am very organic. I hate medicines, so it is hard for me to know I am being put on so much medicine.
The headache I have had is not getting better, maybe worse. They say the anesthesia can have this effect on me for up to 6 months. I hope not.
I was going to go to work afterwards and see if they would let me work, but it was so slow yesterday I didn’t figure they would let me so I didn’t try. One of our Cabela’s burned last night and will be closed for about 3 days for clean up. A lighting fixture had an electrical miss, and caught fire over the clothing department overnight. No one was hurt. The chemicals the firemen used to put out the fire is mostly what ended up shutting the place down. Not sure how much damage, or what will have to be replaced. I know we keep a lot of back stock so they probably will be putting that on the floor, and putting the stuff that wasn’t totally ruined in the fire into the bargain cave, for great discounts. Just a guess. It still makes me sad. I hate to see or hear when bad things happen to Cabela’s. I will say as I have always said I want to see them succeed. They are a great store and treat their employees and customers well.
It was pouring down rain when I came out of the doctor. I did get child support today so I had $80 to spend. Remember a couple of entries when I said I had no food. Well… I bought Alexandra five lunchables for lunch, I bought her chips and a cup of crackers for snacks for the next couple of days. Anytizer chickens, because we all love them. Some crackers, white bread, macaroni, tuna helper, and a few other things. It surely won’t last until next Wednesday, but maybe I can find a food pantry close. It was a start. I had to save $20 for gas. I need to make sure I can make it to work. I was still glad I was able to get a little bit of food.
I haven’t been working on websites lately. I think I am going to pick that back up for some extra money. I can’t survive with just what I am getting. It just isn’t enough. My work pay basically all goes to taxes and insurance, by the end of the day it is about $100 left on my check and the check is for two weeks. So, $200 a month from working 44 hours a week isn’t working. I get other pay, but it would be nice to have some bring home from work. I do work for the insurance, but man oh man.
I only got to talk to Kevin briefly today. I miss him when we don’t talk. He is going camping with boy scouts this weekend. I am still very confused about us. I wish relationships were easier.
Well… I went to sleep when I got home from the store, I slept probably 3 hours. Then I talked to the girls for a while, watched TV with them, and went back to bed at 9:30, woke up at 1am, because I was sweating and here I sit wide awake. I want to go watch TV, but don’t want to wake the girls up, and I don’t have a TV in my room.
I have to be at work at 7:30. I am actually excited to go in.