Sometimes I think…

17:08 on 2020-12-15, Matsumoto Yasushi: This had started over a year ago at the time my depression was fortunately falling to an end.  I’d been sitting in the car with my family since nearly 1.2 hours.  I’d earbuds plugged in and listening to Zetsubou by Mucc (unimportant part) And suddenly my stomach dropped.  I don’t know what changed, but everything was suddenly different.. I can’t explain as it felt like being in a dream where you realise that it’s a dream.  Suddenly I could see vividly that everything around me had heavy black outlines except the sky being red.  I was genuinely believing that I would sink into the ground not regarding anything around me, just that I’d be alone.  I thought someone had died for me to feel such a thing… but nothing happened.  After arriving to the hotel, I stopped feeling that way and the rest of the day was nearly normal despite extreme stomach pain that day, without reason.

And fasting forward….. 14 months later.

At least once a week, I have the same thing happen to me.. this delusions.  I think nothing is real sometimes and I don’t know what to do about it, it makes me want to cry if I am reminded of this.  Sometimes I can simply shop in a store, and while doing so, the same thing happens to my stomach and it resulted in a panicking attack that nothing is real and that I’m not.

Yesterday my best friend told me that she wasn’t real.

I’ve never seen a counselour in my life as my family doesn’t believe that this happen to me, so I can’t.

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

ー松本泰司