“Please don’t say I’m gonna laugh about this some day…. You didn’t see the way he drove away”

Christmas edges closer and closer. This is my last week of work until after the Holiday. My company gave us an extra week off, I think it’s much deserved. Working in the travel industry has been difficult through Covid. Thankfully, other than a short period of mandatory reduced work weeks, my job has been secure. I know that I’m fortunate, but all the same I haven’t been off for an extended period or time during the holidays in so long. I am excited to have more time to wrap presents. Being a working mom, I have not had time to bake homemade cookies and wrap presents at a leisurely pace, in years. It’s been store bought cookies and frantically wrapping presents on Christmas night, for years now. I never THINK I went overboard with the presents until I’m trying to wrap them all or even more when the credit card bills start rolling in 😂 It’s okay though, nothing brings me more joy than seeing them so happy and excited. My daughter is at an age now where she does understand how fortunate she is. She told me today she feels guilty about the amount of presents she gets because she knows a lot of other kids don’t get that much. I told her that she should consider finding a way to give back to the community by volunteering some of her time. Maybe her and I can find something to do together, that would feel so rewarding. Surely there is still something to be done during this pandemic. Before all of this hit I used to volunteer at The Girls Empowerment Network, here in Austin. I loved it. By the time I found them my daughter was a little old for their program, but they are amazing and I love that they are empowering young girls to know they are strong and capable. I haven’t been since March, maybe I can see if they need volunteers. Skye has come so far in the last 4 years, I think she could really be a great role model for these younger girls.

I have been busy furiously getting everything clean, organized and moved around since Friday. I even cleaned and sanitized all of my sons toys. Phewwww, I’m worn out but still have a long way to go. I am determined to have everything organized and clutter free by the new year. I have new couches being delivered on Tuesday, the highlight of my week. I have been pleasantly surprised with the unusual amount of help I have received from my family this time. Usually everything kind of falls on me. I get so overwhelmed playing super mom sometimes. I know that I’m the mom but by NO means am I a house wife, yet after working a full work week, I still do most of the cooking, the majority of the cleaning, all of the errands and take care of the kids. I hope to have a little vacation to myself after the new year. I need to unwind and not be responsible for anything…. Even just a weekend would be a great.

I have been keeping my distance from E for the last couple weeks. I always think this time we are going to get it right and then he does something that sends me running for the hills, again and again. I know that I love him and I want it to work so bad but I am starting to realize that love just isn’t enough. He may or may not be clean but it doesn’t seem to matter he still acts like an addict. He is suspicious, antagonistic, moody, and so fucking beautiful. From one moment to the next I don’t know if he will be the man who worships me or the man who seemingly hates everything about me. He is so toxic. I miss him and want to talk to him but from the small amount of interaction we’ve had he is still being sullen and distant from me. I know I said I needed time but I already tried to end the break and he is not receptive. Maybe he is finally done with me… But it’s certainly more likely that he is talking to someone else. Either way, maybe it is time to actually let go and stop lingering.

XoXo