these stupid brains in our stupid heads

 Would you like to see the pain you inflict upon me?
Convincing myself that I don’t give a fuck is fruitless.
I do. Damnit. I fucking do.
Yesterday I was a nihilist.
Today I’m back to being an idealist.
Dreaming about different societies that actually celebrate people for who we are.
Lonely and searching for meaning
in a world that means nothing.
Why is it so hard to accept that our existence is meaningless?
I mean. We fight it. I think we must know it.
You know what is meaningful. Relationships.
I wish people were more honest. It’d be easier to figure this shit out.
Can we ever actually satisfy the longing for companionship?
Do our brains always leave us thinking there must be something more?
There must be something more.
But there isn’t.
We are just meant to fuck and breed and continue our species existence.
We think we’re so superior with our ‘intelligence’.
However we spend much of  our lives taking turns shitting on everything.
Be appreciative of what you’ve got… life.
But are we really living?
Who are these people that make us feel like we don’t deserve to live and why the fuck do they do it.
Money?
Progress?
Fear of overpopulation?
Maybe our progress isn’t such a good thing.
Everyone is afraid of dying, because it shows that life is meaningless.
It is just living…. just get on with it.
I am okay with dying.
I am okay with drifting away.
But those are lies.
I want to be meaningful.
I want to have meaningful companionship.
I want to sit on the edge of the world and just enjoy each other’s company while I have it.
I don’t want anything more.
It’s just so hard to find, so you hold onto those you have.
But what if we all just accepted our loneliness and just accepted that sometimes you just want to be held.
Just want to fuck.
Just want to sit on the edge of the ocean and feel small.
Because that’s what we are at the end of the day. Small.
Why are people so unkind to one another?
Why do we always want something more?
I want to have a baby.
There’s that.
So I need some stability.
There’s that.
Stability breeds complacency.
There’s that.
Complacency keeps you still.
Am I okay with being still?
I am today hungover as shit.
Keep moving. Keep moving.
We all just want to enjoy each other’s company.
Play games.
Listen to music.
Draw.
Express yourself silently.
I don’t want to hurt you.
I just want to share myself with you.
But things always get so weird and fucked up.
I wish I understood it.

Is it the human condition to want what they can’t have?
Or is this a result of society?
Dating advice goes like this….. basically treat the other person like shit and they’ll keep wanting more.
Are we all just masochists?
Are we all just angry that we feel so lonely that we want to make everyone else feel lonely too?
I’m pretty certain that there is this longing.
This longing of loneliness.
Maybe it’s just the circles I put myself in, but I find that there is a general longing and presence of loneliness in people.
Am I projecting again?
I don’t know.
I am lost in my stupid head.
Feeling envious of a simple animal who knows what life is about.
Fucking and babies and keeping your species ongoing.