I don’t know love

Loneliness.
You can feel lonely in a relationship.
I feel lonely most of the time.
I’m not certain if I am capable of having intimate relationships with people.
I have no idea what an intimate relationship entails.
I just fuck.
And I’ve convinced myself that it satisfies me.
Does it satisfy me?
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything about myself anymore.
Do I even like people?
Do I care about people?
I care about people who don’t care about me.
Or maybe it’s some ego thing.
I’m feeling confused again today.
Lack of social interaction.
I have a yeast infection.
The doctor at planned parenthood looked at me very concerned.
I want to get drunk.
I matter.
I care about myself.
Ugh. Lie lie lie.
I look around me and I see sorrow.
I am projecting. I must be.
I look around and this pill tells me not to drink.
Sit alone and watch tv.
This is what the world becomes.
I hate it.
I want to go to the bar and drink with the other broken hearted patrons.
Who know that relationships are fleeting so enjoy who you got while you got them.
Before you drift off into the loneliness again.
People are so exclusive.
Why do we think we should own a person?
God damnit.
I want to invite every boy I dated and flirted with in San Diego to the same bar on the same night for my goodbye party.
Would that be cruel?
I bet most of them even wouldn’t show up.
Ugh. This self loathing.
They tell me to be useful.
Who doesn’t want company?
Am I an example of the loneliness that you hate?
I’m not a good liar.
I can’t change my face.
I say I need someone.
You could offer yourself to me.
But I’d probably just throw you away.
Because. Everything. Just. Sucks. When. I. Am. Sober.
Do people really fall in love?
Do people really just want one person forever?
Or do they like that stability of thinking they aren’t alone.
I don’t get a lot of things.
I wish I was stupid.
I wish I didn’t think so much.
I wish things weren’t making sense.
Am I just blaming society?
It seems so fucked up.
These people aren’t bad.
They are just products of a fucking shitty society.
Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.
I don’t know how to care about anyone but myself.
I am trying to learn.
Caring is not found between the sheets.
But fucking is so good.
We all know we are lonely.
So why do we take advantage of each other.
Is it possible not to?
Why do we get resentful?
I wouldn’t be mad if you would just tell me the truth.
You only talk to me because you are lonely.
Companionship is important, right?
But don’t relationships breed repression.
Or is that caring. Fuck I’m confusing myself again.
I don’t fucking know.
I’m boring.
You’re boring.
Let’s stare at the flickering tube.
Longing and needing for what we don’t know.