Perfect Soul.

where are you now
and who were you then
that you thought somehow
you could just pretend
that you could figure it all out
the mathematics of regret
so it takes two beers to remember now
and five to forget
that i loved you so

yeah, i loved you, so what.

i could write novels on this verse. but it all stays quiet.

i miss you more now than before. it’s less dramatic now, it’s more still now, people are getting the hang of getting along without you now. it’s been over a year since i’ve spoken to you. how’s that for regret.

i don’t believe in afterlife. i am not particularly happy about this, especially concerning your whereabouts. how easy it would be to imagine you waiting somewhere for me. it’s not something i can change – at least not in this stage of life.

but.

last night i dreamt of you. i was crying, on the phone with my mother in a crowded room i did not recognize. and i saw you walking toward me, carrying your guitar case. and i knew it was special to be seeing you. not because you’re dead – – and i remember knowing that you are. you approached me and i hung up the phone. without a pause, without a blink, you placed your lips softly on mine and rested them there. no romance.  just pure, radiating, capable love. your presence. i didn’t just see you, i felt every fiber in the air spelling you out. it’s overwhelming to relive now that i’m awake, but this moment was more comforting than christmas morning. and just as suddenly as you came, you pulled away and kept on walking. i don’t even think you looked in my eyes. but i do know i watched you walk away and i understood.

i’d hate to think i’m growing overly sentimental in my old age and out of stale grief i’m allowing myself to slip into a mindset that i’m normally convinced isn’t realistic, logical, possible, etc.

but it’s hard to believe it wasn’t you telling me that it’ll get better.
"it always does."

i’m gunna be your friend until the day i die.