I Would Like To Build Something.

I  am speaking candidly.

I forgot how much being in love hurts. How deeply it physically hurts sometimes.  And how my first instinct is always to head for the fucking hills, knowing all too well it’s the last thing I’d ever actually do. It takes a woman of steel to love unconditionally. To forgive for everything that came before and forgive herself for the same.  It takes a lot of things that I have maybe half of the time. It takes a solid person. And I can’t fool myself right now. I am so flimsy under the weight of jealousy and suspision, built into me without permission, from past relationships and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I can’t erase this of myself. It’s unfair, but it’s logical when you think about it.

I shouldn’t write when intoxicated. It’s never a good idea.

But I’d rather sit in front of a computer than on the bathroom floor. Those are my only two options right now.

I can’t stand the sound of sleep. I need to get out but I have nowhere to go. There are worse feelings in the world, but  I can’t think of any right now.