Self development …

… is not an easy task. Sometimes it seems as if I’ve made huge progress, and then other times it feels like I’ve taken 200 steps back. I’m in a bit of a self-pity mood lately, always corresponding to either the full or new moon cycles so I know it will pass, thank God. While I’m in the midst of it though, it just sucks because this is Not how I usually operate my life. In fact, I made a promise years ago that I would never return to the abyss, but here I am again, on the edge looking into its darkness.

When I left the workforce almost a  year ago to ‘find myself’ which is more than what it implies, I had no idea what was in store for me but I was totally ready for the adventure. Well, an adventure it has been, thank you very much COVID. Oh I still saw my kids and gkids, my parents, and made the ‘oh so scary’ trips to the grocery store to replenish my need of toilet paper (she said sarcastically). I took on a part time weekend job at an organic garden for the summer months because it was outdoors and considered ‘safe’. I respected the restrictions, but I did Not partake in the fear. I spent time alone … in my yard … in my house … in my head.

My intimate relationships disintegrated by choice which I have no regrets, other than I miss the intimacy. Not sex so much as having someone to talk to who listens and does their best to understand where I’m coming from, and in the same breath, someone for Me to listen to and do my best to understand where they’re coming from. In this self-induced isolation and then COVID adding to it, I have lost the ability to relate to other people … or at least that’s what it feels like. I’m emotional most of the time, but not the ‘good’ emotions. The dark ones that most people never want to look at, and yet we all have them to some degree or another.

I have journaled over the course of this year in private, because my dark side is not pretty. I told my best friend to fuck off in a mutated “who the fuck said that?” way, and we’ve discussed and remain friends, but seeing the anger inside of me erupt toward someone I love was … well, I can’t even describe.

And then there’s this sexual side of my shadow, or maybe it’s this shadow side of my sexuality, that I’m trying to figure out.

Throw in managing trauma and addiction, and then trauma and addiction … oh, and don’t forget trauma and addiction.

Ya, there are just some days where it’s best to immerse myself into a book.