Working on Self-Confidence

Dear Diary,

This is my first time doing this. I tend to have these spurts of misplaced productivity where I’ll be inspired to do something that is so not what I need to be doing, but I feel inclined to do it. My friends tend to say I’m impulsive and I never saw it at first, but I’m slowly starting to see how that might be the case.

Regardless, this entry is about self-confidence; something I have been struggling with ever since I was a kid and something that is one of my top struggles even today. It may not be as bad as before, so I guess I have made some progress. I would say that I’ve gotten more comfortable with myself just this past year alone. Whenever I feel comfortable with something, I tend to find another thing to struggle with. I used to never worry about my body image until just recently. I wasn’t as worried about the future of my career, but I see my peers obtaining opportunities that I haven’t gotten. things I keep thinking about that weigh me down and not be the best I can.

I have these hypotheses and superstitions about the way I need to live my life. I feel like the way I’m supposed to live my life is so particular that I’m not really living my life to live; I’m just living to survive.

I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of not being able to fully enjoy myself with the looming fear of something bad going to happen after. I’m tired of putting in what I feel like is my full effort, only to get a mediocre result. I’m tired of some people not perceiving me the way I want to be perceived. I’m tired of doubting myself so much and being so slow in life that I have to play catch-up. I’m done.

For school projects, there’s a website that shows what your teammates rate you and how you rate yourself during the project. I always tend to rate myself pretty low. When I see my teammate’s feedback, it makes me embarrassed that I had given myself such a low rating of myself compared to my peers. I want to see myself and live my life like how they view me; in a positive light. I know it contradicts my earlier point, but that was mostly in regard to a negative opinion.

I want to try and reinvent myself (as I feel like I keep doing every so often). I’m looking to find ways to be more self-confident in my abilities to live my life.

I guess we’ll see how that goes.

solovoice

Please yourself and don’t worry about comparing yourself to others. Yes, we all want to get along and be admired and such, but confidence comes from doing something you love and becoming an expert at (and it doesn’t even need to be your livelihood). It’s also okay to try different things, and if they’re not a good fit, try something else. I’ve “reinvented” myself a few times and I still battle, sometimes, with trying to live in some sort of standard that was probably instilled in me in childhood. If you feel you’re putting in a full effort at something and not achieving the results you want, exam if your expectations are too high. You can also analyze where you feel you failed (or if others, say your job or school) say you’ve failed, ask how you can improve, if it’s really important to you. We are not born knowing things and must be taught. Cut yourself some slack. That you care means you’re okay.

1 reply

December 4, 2020

@solovoice

I appreciate the kind words. It’s refreshing to hear even though they are glaringly obvious to me.

I still have a hard time believing that what I’m shooting for is too high. I don’t want to believe that I’m on this earth to do something mediocre. I want to look back on my life proud of all the success and achievements I’ve accomplished. I want to say I lived my life without regrets; yet, it gets harder and harder to hold onto that dream when I keep failing the small tasks that are required of someone my age.

I’ll keep your advice in mind and hope that something will come along that will prove to myself that I am enough.