How to piss off your friends without really trying

Do you hate your friends? Man, I sure do. Friends suck. One time, I was at my place at midnight, ready to relax with a cold soda, some pizza and a few good movies when sure enough, my asshole friends stopped by with a bottle of vodka and invited themselves to partake in the festivities, and that was without even asking. Next thing I know, I have durnk bastards searching my house for girls (there were never any girls in the house that night) and two of the ass-clowns beat each other senseless in the driveway. I wish I were making this story up. The next morning, I woke up to their sorry losers asking me to help them through the hangover I had nothing to do with. And I totally gave up on ever asking these deadbeats for money – I know I’d never see it.

This is why I hate friends. My life sure would be a lot more quiet and inexpensive without them. Y’all know what I am talking about. And when they aren’t mooching off my goods, they are bitching my ears off about pointless bullshit that I couldn’t give any less of a damn about. You girls especially know what I am talking about. Have you ever had a girlfriend call you at 1am to tell you about how much some guy she’s into doesn’t like her? I sure have, and I made sure to file that info under the shit-no-one-cares-about category, that is, after I told her to go to hell.

But getting rid of friends is hard. If you just tell them that you are tired of their bullshit, they’ll lay the guilt trip on you. Or try to kick your ass. Or both. That’s no good people, especially if the guy is bigger than you. But friends are like cancer, the longer you wait to take care of it, the harder it is to get rid of it. Eventually, you do have to, and the best way to do it is to piss them off. That way, you make them think they are rejecting you, thus nullifying any chance of them either guilt-tripping you or calling you later to “talk about it.” And yes, people really do fall for this because in general, your friends are really gullible and stupid, a lot more so than they’d let on. Otherwise, why would they be hanging out with you?

Humiliation
Of all the plans described, this is the most basic. In the Jewish faith, it is said that humiliating someone is worse than killing them. The best part of this idea is that you can’t get 25-to-life for embarrassing someone. This tech works best with insecure people with low self-esteem, which is pretty much everyone on the planet, especially teenagers and most people who keep online diaries. Unlike rumors and blackmail, you don’t need to do extensive research on the facts. The truth is that opportunities for humiliation are directly proportional to how many times your friends fuck something up. So if you have basket-case friends who can’t do anything write, make sure everyone knows about it. Even if they don’t, feel free to publicly degrade your friends for no good reason. When using this method, sardonic commentary and insults are your friends. Basically anything you learned about social interaction in junior-high will work here. You will look like a pro and your friends will feel smaller than dimes. If they aren’t so sycophantic as to keep you around anyway cos they can’t find anyone else who can stand them (a lot of teenage girls with boyfriends have this problem), then you’ll never have to worry about your asshole friends darkening your doorstep ever again.

Blackmail
The classic shakedown is probably one of the best ways to end a friendship, and if you play your cards right, you can get free money out of this too. This technique is probably the most universal, since it can be combined with the others I am about to elaborate on. Basically it works like this: have your friends ever told you something totally secret about themselves? Something they’d never want anyone else to know? Or did you witness something at a party? Or have they asked you to do something for them that they know they regret ever asking you to do in the first place? If so, you got them locked down. And if they really were dumb enough to consider you a trustworthy host to information they should have kept to themselves, be sure to let them know that too. It will teach them a thing or two about trusting people. This entire subject in itself deserves its own entry, and will get one eventually. Unless your friend is an angel or you are just really stupid, it is impossible to fuck this one up.
Note: The only time this technique will not work is if the person who “gave up a secret” was in fact lying the whole time. Be sure to background check your info before going public, lest you run the risk looking like an ass.

Sex
Ask a friend-girl anything, and the #1 reason she will say for ending a friendship is having sex with a guy friend. According to women, having sex with a guy friend can ruin a friendship. If this is indeed true (and it isn’t, but I am getting there), then guys have hit the bonanza. Not only do you get rid of that 1-am call, but you can get some free play out of it too. The truth is though that sex does not ruin the friendship. If anything, it makes your friendship with your guy friends even stronger as you brag to them about your latest acquisition. And everybody knows that any lady-friends a guy has are really just pussy-on-reserve for adverse times (and back me up on this guys, you know I am right), well, except for the ugly ones. And if that revelation doesn’t make her go away, if that chick-friend regrets having sex with you, you can always go for the good ol’ shakedown.

Rumors
Nothing ruins a friendship like a good-ol rumor. This technique works best in combination with a Black mail, especially if the poor sod you are scamming was stupid enough to believe you’d shut your word hole after being paid and still wants to be your friend. If both of these are true, your best hope is a rumor. This technique works excellent in high school, mostly because it is filled with a bunch of dumbass kids who never work, don’t care about anything, and need something superficial to give their lives meaning, like bullshit rumors about their classmates. Well, that and MTV. For this reason, rumors pretty much spread themselves and they don’t even need to be true, although it does help in case someone does a track-back on the gossip (I have yet to meet anyone who has). The best part about this is that rumors spread like STDs at a gay whore house and they work best when they can’t be traced to you.
For example, if I had a friend named Jennifer who I’d rather see in a ditch than in my face, all I’d have to do is smear her reputation by telling someone who I know has a big mouth that Jenn loves the cock, especially in the ass ever since she got it from His Divine Shadow. The rumour would take off like a firecracker on Chinese New Year and nobody would be able to stop it. No doubt Jenn would come to me in the hopes of having me tell the truth, that I never did do her in the booty. This is the part where success or failure is determined. A well placed “hellz no” is all it takes. After that, she’d probably take an ice-pick in the eye than talk to me again (unless of course, she really did like it in the ass, in that case, the cock-jockey would be riding His Divine Express next thing). Either way, I win.

Mooch off them instead.
Payback’s a bitch, especially if you never pay your friends back. Do you have generous friends? If you do, you’ve hit a gold mine. Why change your oil, fix your computer, or run errands when you have dumbass friends who can do it for you? You should treat your friends like credit cards – max them out then cut them up when you don’t need them anymore. If you play your cards right, you can get a lot of free stuff and lose some dead weight while you are at it. Think about it, everyone you know is good at something (and if they aren’t, you’re a jackass for hanging out with them at all.), and most of them are willing to lend their hand to helping you with anything, especially if they have low self-esteem or are easily manipulated. The key to this technique is to go the distance. If robbing them of their worldly possessions and time isn’t enough, start moving in on their family and friends too. Everyone has a breaking point and your job is to get there with as much free stuff as possible.

Strategic Incompetence
The idea behind this tactic is simple – act as stupid as possible whenever someone asks you for a help and/or favour. When you are helping someone, unless that person can further you career, that is the worst time to try to look impressive. Instead, go for total incompetence. If someone asks you for a ride, comply, but take him or her to the wrong place. When the person asks why you did this, tell them you can’t read a road map. Or tell them you can’t read period so they don’t ask you later to read their e-mail to them (I’ve actually had someone do this to me before). Does someone want a pizza and expects you do get it? Do it, but be sure to bring back the wrong kind. And deliver to the wrong address. If someone asks you for help on a homework assignment or test, give him or her all the wrong answers. Soon, you will alienate yourself from others as a viable source of any form of help, thus freeing up more of your time to kick ass. And better yet, some people might even talk shit about your inability to perform even the most basic tasks, spreading the poison and ensuring that total strangers elsewhere don’t ask for your help – at least not without paying for it.

Sucker Punch
Nothing fancy here, just a good ol’ fashion open-handed jab to the throat. That person will never speak to you again, even when he regains the ability to talk.

Dichotomy
This approach is more complex, mostly because no one knows what the word “dichotomy” means. The basic idea is that a dichotomy is a model that represents a division into two parts or opinions oftentimes parts that contradict or oppose each other. It sounds complicated, but the idea behind this technique is simple.
Most people who are friends are so because they have much in common. Common-sense dictates that not having a lot in common can kill a friendship. The dichotomy approach basically means that you become the polar opposite of your friends. It doesn’t matter if you have to lie – if the need to lose those assholes is great enough, you can do it. Are your friends with a Christian? Convert to Satanism. Be sure to wear your White Pride Worldwide T-shirt when your black friends are around. If your friends are party animals, turn into the most boring person in the planet. Invite your conservative friends to go skydiving and white-water rafting. If all your friends are idiots, use as many big words as possible to discuss obscure subjects in front of them. If you are a guy who hangs out with football jocks, mentioned to them that you saw The Stepford Wives and ask them about getting together for a slumber party with them to see it too. Start eating meat in front of your vegetarian friends, even if you are a vegetarian yourself. You may think you are guilty of murdering an innocent animal, but if that turkey sandwich gets rid of some annoying bastards who keeps asking you for money, well, it died for a good cause. Basically become the exact opposite of your friends; you will lose them in no time, but probably only after a speech about “how you’ve changed.” For this reason, this idea is a last resort, because no one likes to hear a bunch of bitching. That and this idea takes a lot of effort and change of lifestyle and that sounds like work to me.

Inverse Humiliation
This is a combination of the above technique and humiliation. Here, you are embarrassing yourself in front of your friends. The goal of this technique is to make it so that your friends would rather be sodomized with a pine tree than be seen with you in public. This works best if you have friends who are very image-conscious, particularly rich snobby friends. Trust me, no asshole from Beverly Hills wants to be seen at the latest club with a friend who’s entire outfit that night consists of a napkin and a rubber chicken. If you have politically conservative friends, cross-dress when you go out with them. Instead of trying to blend in, blend out. If your friends care at all about their reputation, they will drop you like a leper. But if you care about your reputation too, you are probably better off using more discreet methods.

Murder
This idea is not recommended, but if you are ever rock-climbing with someone you despise, and your friend asks you for help with the ropes, well, there are many ways to make falls look like an accident.

I plan on adding to this list once I get more ideas. I doubt it will take me a long time.

-His Divine Shadow