anon

I’m new here but I’m not new here.

I have an old diary here I could reclaim but I haven’t. I think it would be too painful to sift through. That was years ago, and it held 13 years of my life in it. And besides, I want to remain as anonymous as possible because that’s how this works best for me. I write, I shut the laptop, I forget. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Writing has been the constant, but I sometimes forget how. I’ve set up camp at various posts on the internet since my OG OD days and I haven’t stuck around any of them. It gets hard to face myself over time. I uproot, flee easily.

I guess I’m having another one of my famous breakdowns. Heartsick over someone who’s wrong for me but who I can’t stop thinking about, even though it’s been two months since we ended it for good. Lost in the culture of a new workplace that doesn’t feel like the right fit (will any job ever feel like the right fit?) A new diagnosis I’m grappling with. Last year I felt like I was on top of the world and this year I have slowly crumbled.

We’re all slowly crumbling, of course.

All I want to do is write a damn poem but I can’t, because all of my poems were about him. I hadn’t written in years and then suddenly I was churning out poem after poem, he was my muse. And he sucked. He was just awful to me and for me. I don’t know why I’m missing him so much. I have to keep catching myself, reminding myself how he treated me, how it would never work.

The days are shorter and most days I don’t leave the house. COVID is exploding in my city right now so I’ve ceased all contact with those that were previously in my COVID bubble. The new job eats 9+ hours of each day and I feel exhausted by the end. I can barely keep up basic text check-ins with friends. I’m disappearing. Not going on walks. Not listening to music. No appetite. I live in silence.

Every day I put off sleeping as long as I can bear it because sleep means another morning to wake up to.

I haven’t been this depressed since I was a kid. So yeah, I think writing again will be good.