November 25th, 2020. My day was okay today.

Today was pretty interesting. I woke up at around 3pm. I always feel a little disappointed in myself that I can’t find the energy or motivation to be on a regular sleep schedule, but oh well. I’m home for thanksgiving from college, my mom and I went to best buy to check out some things, then to michaels but she couldn’t find what the wanted, we also checked lowes but they didn’t have what she wanted either. We went to HEB and got stuff for me to make dinner. I learned how to make a really good dish of butter chicken and made it for my parents, they loved it and I’m really happy about that. It makes me feel to do things for them, I feel accomplished. They just got a new car, and it’s really nice but I can’t help but think that it only traps them in their cycle of bad spending even further, but it helps my moms mental health so I’m happy about that. After dinner we went to my grandpas house and looked at some old pictures and also found my moms old memory box. We went home and her and I went through it. It made me feel strange to read my moms old diaries with her and realize shes a real person. I love my mom so much, I wish she would have married someone else. My dad has always been so toxic to her, and she had a real chance of having such a better life if she would have left him. It makes me mad that she lived such a crappy life. She was just like me, very emotional, dramatic and super depressed. My mom was very dependent on attention and it made me sad to realize she went through a lot of the things I went through when I was younger, too. I wish my mom would have married someone different, went to college and did something she liked with her life, instead shes stuck here with my dad, 40 years old and not going anywhere in life. I used to be hopeful about my dad, but it feels like he doesn’t think he can do any better in life. It makes me so sad sometimes. I think my dad will die soon. Hes very obese and does crappy hard manual labor. I’m so scared to lose my dad. I love my mom so much and she revolved her entire life around my dad, I wish she didn’t do that. I feel like when my dad dies that I’ll have to move back home or make her live with me. She could have such an amazing life one day if she met the right guy that could propel her forward into amazing goals. It’s really hard to see the people you love the most waste away while their dreams die. I hope I can help her one day. I dream about being wealthy after college and being able to help them with money, like buying my mom health insurance and maybe paying for her to go to community college. I am living the life of my dreams – really, but my parents make me sad. I want them to have everything. My mom has never been out of the country and it makes me really sad. I hope that she can live out here wildest dreams one day. I feel like shes still young enough. I hate my oldest brother, he made my moms life hell and destroyed her soul, she cries and cries and I hope he kills himself. Thats really mean, but that’s how I really feel right now, I should probably go to therapy or something.

The songs I’m listening to a lot this week are

pictures of you – the cure

if you really love nothing – interpol

Joy Division – love will tear us apart