Alex and going home

Well Thanksgiving snuck up on me this year. I knew I was leaving on Tuesday night but I didn’t realize that the Tuesday would come so soon, you know? I don’t want to leave but I also really do. Daniel and Eric poke fun at me a lot and its all good natured and I’m used to it. Its what we do to each other all the time. But, now that they’re friends, its like getting a double dose of insults and jokes (which I know they don’t mean) but still…its been getting to me. 

I one of those people where if I hear something often enough, I start to believe it. It’s part of the reason I have a low self-esteem. My mom has called me vicious names my entire life. And now….I believe them to be true. So I mean, yes I know its all in good fun….its just a bit to get used to hearing it all at once. 

Alex called me Sunday night. I was hoping that he was either wanting to come back and be friends or that he was going to finally tell me why he stopped talking to me….oh yea…he told me why…..and he told me a few other harsh things as well. I honestly don’t think I’ve cried that much in a while. He called to tell me to stay out of James’ and Kasey’s business (Kasey asked for my help so I helped and I explained that to him but whatever apparently James (Alex’s best friend) got hurt in the process I didn’t know that so I backed off). End of story.

So since I had him on the phone I asked him why he just stopped talking to me. He was really hostile about it. He said he just didn’t care about me or my life any more. He tried to be friends but he just didn’t care. He adopted this attitude that "works for him." He said  "don’t give a shit about anybody, what anybody says or does or thinks about me. I son’t care if I hurt people. The only people I care about are my friends…which you UNFORTUNATELY aren’t apart of anymore. Its too bad you don’t have the PLEASURE of knowing me as I am now." 

Basically he turned into the type of guy I truly hate. An asshole. A douche bag. An uncaring, insensitive, moronic bastard. I truly followed in his father’s footsteps. The same father he swore he would never become. The man who left his life when he was barely a year old. Congratulations asshole. Look at you now. 

It was hurtful all the things he said. That he just doesn’t care about me anymore. That he doesn’t care what we’ve been through. That I whored around after we broke up. I didn’t take enough time to grieve over a four year relationship. It was all hurtful. I cried. He was going on and I said never talk to me again. If you need me I will NOT EVER be there for you EVER again. I was finished. It’s one thing to be mad. To still be hurt over the break-up. Its another thing completely to purposely hurt the other person. 

I didn’t mean to hurt Alex. Never meant to. He told me to do whatever made me happy. And that was leaving him. I’m sorry I move quickly. I don’t get over people. The quicker I get with someone else the easier it is to get over someone. I’m sorry it just so happened that Daniel was there to catch me when I fell. He was there at midnight when I was crying in the stairwell after breaking up with Alex. I didn’t go out and purposely find a new guy. He was there. Had he not been there….I would probably still be single and pining over Alex….or worse be back with him. We were never meant to be. He admitted it and I admitted it we should have ended our relationship much sooner. But we always tried again. Always held on tight. 

It’s whatever. Now I know what is going on and now I can just move on. I can just live life with my current boyfriend and not worry about Alex and his silence. I never have to worry about him again. I’ve never said I wouldn’t be there for someone. I am there for anyone who needs me. Even if they’ve hurt me. But…he just went way too far. And it hurt like a bitch. I literally thought I was going to fall apart. Like my chest was breaking and I had to hold it together. Daniel was there thankfully and held me tight….held me together. 

I love him. I really do. 

Anyway I’m kind of upset now so I’m just going to go lay down for a bit with my iPod. This will take a while to get over but I’ll be okay. I just need some time alone. Away from the world. Which is why being home will be good. I’ll get a chance to just float through life without worry about anything for a few days. Yes my mom will be a bitch and yes my grandmother will be there (the one who thinks I’m the devil child) but I’d rather ignore their bullshit than deal with the bullshit around here. 

*Sigh* I’ve just been really upset since then. I try and be happy for everyone’s sake but I’m just not. I’m upset and want to break down and cry. Daniel’s been so good about it. He holds me and tells me to look on the brighter side of things and makes me giggle and laugh whenever he can. 

He’s so good to me. 

Anyway I’m off to lose myself in some music. See ya!

 *Sandra*