thinking too much again

Hey there! Just got back from work. Today kind of felt like a long day but its ok. I got my first pay check today. 🙂 I’m pretty excited about that. I should go to the bank and deposit that along with the $100 I’ve had in my bag for the last few months.

I’m just kind of upset again. I went on facebook and saw this whole conversation between him and his new girl on my news feed. They were conversing through one of my friends statuses. It was kind of painful to see. Again…going back to the fact how they skype all the time and blah blah blah…it hurts to see him like that with someone else when he wasn’t like that for the girl he loved for four years. I stated tearing up a bit when I saw it. It’s just hard. Part of me wants to confront him. The other part of me keeps saying just leave it. It’s a constant war inside myself that no one wins.

Theres a part of me that still cares. A part of me that would go running back to him given the chance. A part of me that is still hurt and crying over the loss. A part of me and kicks me everyday for leaving him. A part of me that just wants things to go back to how they once were…

Then theres the other part of me. The part that is more than happy that he’s gone. A part that is thankful I left because I wasn’t happy with him. A part of me that is happy that I met someone who really does make me happy and who has overall made me a better version of myself. Who is helping me become the person I want to be. A part of me is happy for Alex. Who loves seeing him happy. Who is glad he found someone as well. Who hopes that maybe one day she can get her best friend back. This is the bigger part of me. Its a little stronger. 

Sometimes the other part of me grows. Its emotions coming out and stroming through me. I get upset and angry quickly and don’t think about the bigger part of me. The only thing I see and feel is my storm of emotions raging through me, coursing through my veins not letting me think rationally. 

This is the battle I fight everyday within myself. 

I kind of want to cry again. But, I wont. I’m happy for him. It’s just hard to see him all over someone else when he wouldn’t be like that with his girlfriend of two years. 

The thing I hate about this..when my emotional side comes out…I start to think about everything…..I woke up at 3am today and couldn’t get back to sleep until around 5 because I was thinking. About everything…mostly Daniel and his ex (Lets call her V)

They talk every now and then. And it doesn’t bother me (that much..kinda a little but I’ve kind of grown used to it from when they were together). So I’m just like ok its nbd. Then I start thinking about what they might talk about…thats where I start getting upset. I don’t want to ask because I don’t want to be THAT girlfriend (oo thats so weird to say…I’m Daniel’s girlfriend..trippy) anyway…I don’t want to be THAT girlfriend who always all up in his business about everything. I trust Daniel.

I trust him with all my heart. I’m more honest with him then I’ve ever been with anyone..even Alex. 

And I don’t think he would lie to me either. He doesn’t seem to be like that. So I trust that he isn’t saying anything that I have to worry about. Its her. I don’t know what if she still tells him that she loves him, or wants him back, or…I don’t know…anything like that….*sigh* I’m the jealous girlfriend yes I know. I’m not as bad as I used to be. Well not exactly. Old me would’ve been really upset and crying and constantly badgering Daniel about what they talk about and ask for proof and like punch a bitch out. New me just asks if he’s talked to her lately…oh you have? ok cool beans. And I just try not to think about it. I’m usually fine…until I start thinking about it. Then I start to get a little jealous/possessive. My boyfriend…back off XP. But, then I let it go because she’s all the way over there, he is here with me, and I trust him completely. I’ll worry about her when the time comes to worry about her….that’ll be when she visits him next year. *shudder*

Anyway I’m gunna go. I just wanted to get some of this out in hopes of feeling better. It kind of helped. I’ll be replying to your notes later on tonight. 

See ya guys

*EDIT*

I just found out that my birth mom lost her baby. I don’t know what to say. I told her that I love her and that everything will be ok…Don’t know why I wrote this honestly….

*Sandra*