02/11/2020

I was low this evening. Low until about five mins ago. I get so tired of these changes in mood, changes in perception. I thought things were slowly working out in my head between mum and me- I haven’t conceded I’ve just realised there’s no point wasting energy in the way that I was. I was having thoughts, last week I think, about how much I’m the black sheep of the family. I don’t really know if my parents hold any degree of respect for me. As much as the symptoms mess with my head I think dad does- I think he see’s that I try as hard as I can, all of the time, not to get down on them, not to talk a lot about depression, symptoms etc. I think he picks up on the fact that it’s difficult but out of a sense of pride I don’t put it on them- I don’t moan and groan. Then these symptoms started, and last week I’d been pushed to the point of thinking he has no respect for me whatsoever, and neither does mum. There are times when I feel as though they’d be happier if I just took myself away somehow.

I wanted to write next – do they even love me. But then I felt as though this is the most melo-dramatic statement ever. The truth of the matter is that they do love me but this has pushed them. I think they both let all of the other stuff, she could have done this, she could have been that, overtake their sense of just love. Or I’m projecting all my own insecurities, regrets and issues onto them. I think they accepted a long time ago where I was. I think it’s only really hit me properly in the last year or so. How much I fucked my life up. It’s like I’m only just opening up to what a big world there is out there. I think ultimately I simply didn’t let myself consider it for the first ten years or so, after I was first hospitalised. I was so far away from the lives my friends were living, and I kind of noticed that but in a detatched sense, I didn’t let it get to me too much. I think the reason I’m sensing that big world is because my confidence, on some level- I don’t fully understand on