Flashforward.

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Have you seen that show? Flashforward? I think the gist of it is everyone blacks out for a period of time but they see their future, good or bad and are given the chance to change it based on that? Something like that.
   I wish with everything in my heart that I could see the future. I wish I knew that this thing with Sam and I was going to turn into something great, or its going to fail. I just wish I knew. I feel tested by God. I feel like this opportunity is presenting itself and its in my hands how to proceed. It confuses the HECK out of me. I hardly slept last night thinking about it. He doesn’t show the affection he used to. He’s not compassionate like he used to be, he doesn’t grab me and kiss me like he used to. Is this all supposed to take time? Am I reading into it too much? I feel like my head is spinning a million miles a minute. I pointed out to him yesterday… He met his ex and started dating her only months after having a baby and a serious relationship with me. And now, its been nearly 4 months since their breakup and I have yet to even feel like I mean anything close to a serious relationship with him… and I am the one who had his baby. Maybe it failed for a reason? And thats the way its supposed to be?
    I am really just trying to trust God. Trust that the way that things are supposed to be will happen. I know you can’t truly love someone else until you love yourself. And i’m hoping that process will soon begin too. Because I know I don’t love myself completely and whole. Maybe thats my first step. Finding God again. Finding out my lifes purpose. I can’t continue to live like this and stress myself out day after day. And wonder… why? Or if??

    Its my 27th birthday in 3 weeks. And I took the day off, and have the weekend off… so I will have a 3 day weekend. Maybe I need to plan a weekend away by myself to find God, focus on me and just soul search for a few days. JUST ME. No phone… No computer. My bible, some laps in a pool, a few walks… Who knows. 
 
   Life shouldn’t be so complicated. But it is! We really have to reach and race for and grab everything it is that we really want. And if you know in your heart of hearts that it IS in fact what you want then don’t let it go… right? Love takes time. It doesn’t happen over night. And he keeps telling me that. I just wish I knew for sure. But does anyone ever really know anything for sure? When I don’t worry about any of this stuff and we are together we laugh and have a good time. Family time is magical. Things really ARE picture perfect. We put on a silly cd last night and danced with Abby in her bedroom to songs like "Do your ears hang low?" And it was without a doubt … perfect. And how I wish every single night of my life was. Spent with the two people that mean the most to me in the entire world.

   But for now… I’ll drink my pumpkin spice coffee… get on with my day. Go to work. Take on the week. Go to the nursing information session… get my FAFSA done. Apply to school and sign up for classes. I WILL start school in January and give it everything I can. I might feel overwhelmed but I know I have back up in this. And this is mostly for Abby. So she will be proud of her mommy. So she can bring her friends into our home later in life and have nice things. So we are stable!!! So I will always have a job somewhere, no matter what. That is what I crave the most. STABILITY. Stable in life, Stable in love, Stable in finance. Just out right STABLE.

Now…
To plan a weekend away, or not? Those things don’t come cheap… We’ll see!! 
Thankyou all for your love and support here, especially Neil. It really means more than you know!!!!!!