29/10/2020

I’m flat again. But this time really, really flat. It’s 6.50pm on a Thursday evening and I’m considering simply going to bed right now because I’m practically asleep already. I had a date tonight. I ended up cancelling at about 3ish this afternoon- the thought of travelling all the way up to central was just filling me with nothing but funk. The weather is shit and I just couldn’t be bothered to get in the shower, style my hair and do make up. I couldn’t summon up the energy or the motivation to do it. I messaged the girl and suggested we put our chat on freeze until the new year because this is the second time this has happened now. I’m really pysched for the date until about mid-afternoon and then my energy just falls away. We were meant to meet, this girl and I, two weeks ago I think and I did the same thing then. So I can’t risk doing it a third time, I really don’t want her to think of me as this flaky, unreliable person. Stupid thing is a part of me still really wants to see her, but I just couldn’t find it in me tonight. I was meant to meet up with a guy last night, just a hook up, but I cancelled that as well. He got a bit pissy and said not to contact him again, but seeing as it was nothing serious and he was the one to make contact with me, I don’t feel too bad about that.

However my big old head starts churning. I’ve started to think, last night and tonight- if you want to meet someone, if you don’t want to be on your own yo’ve got to put yourself out there, you have to do the difficult thing and go out and meet people. I swore to myself, after freaking out for a little while that I was ignoring signs from the universe, that in the new year- that is when I will start dating again. I will get myself out there, not make up BS excuses and let the funk drag me down. I was OK earlier, I could have gone out I just decided not to. Now I’m flat and considering going to sleep. Although, on the flip side. I have a hair-cut tomorrow which I’m excited about. I’m going to get all my hair cut off very short, so it’s cropped, and potentially put some colour in it. I had this booked for a week or so again, but cancelled because I didn’t pull myself out of bed. That is not going to happen tomorrow. So if I’d gone out tonight I would have likely had drinks and tomorrow may not have happened. So on the flip side, it may have been for the best.

Moreover I’ve said I feel flat tonight, but I actually feel like I might be coming down with something. My body feels wrecked, and I don’t feel right. I can’t work out if it’s because I didn’t go out, but obviously I don’t need to feel this bad. However I haven’t felt 100% for a little while so I wonder if I’ve got a bug. If I’d gone out tonight this would have only made this feel worse. Or not- perhaps I needed to get out.

Anyway, enough agonising. I’m going to go and make a veggie shake. Then sleep at like 9ish.

Peace.