21/10/2020

I feel flat this evening- in fact most of the afternoon and into the evening. I just watched the David Attenborough docu on netflix about the climate emergency and had a little cry. It finished and spent ten mins following every single environmentally focused group on Instagram. I might also find out if the exteniction rebellion group in CRoydon is meeting this weekend, I joined the group a little while ago because I want to get involved but have been too timid to actually go along to a group yet. I feel as though I don’t know enough, despite the fact that I know that only going because you have a passion is enough.

Anyway today’s been weird. It actually started really well, I got out of bed at 8.30am, which is a fricking miracle and I thank all the forces above and below me who helped me in that. I felt great this morning, really vibing and connecting with the early morning energy- is an amazing feeling, being up at that time and really being able to connect with the energy. I then actaully went to the laptop and worked on my novel for a couple of hours. I was so pleased with myself, and chuffed I think i’m still slightly in shock- it was the best morning I’ve had for months, possibly years.

Then the rents came over and after they left I was left feeling flat and empty again. Nobodies fault but a fucking nightmare. I thought it was only going to be mum, I find dealing with the two of them together something of a challenge and today wasn’t as bad as it has been (which is a positive), it wasn’t great. Dad was talking about a guy I used to go to school with whose now working for Goldman saccs and making loads of money, and I just felt my mood dip. Then felt as though I needed to change the subject because of the weird vibe- but then again I swear to god that’s all I ever do when I’m with the two of them together. I go through hell and I feel as though mum just gets huffy that I can’t hold it all together normally, and then just fuels the awkwardness because it means his attention is off her. I really find it difficult when it’s the two of them. It’s not dam great one on one with either of them tbh, but it’s better than it has been, for me and I this is the important thing. Mum is always trying to grip, grip, grip, everything around her until it’s in the shape which works for her. Once I started giving her the finger, subliminally, I don’t think she quite understands or grasps the fact that I don’t entirely trust her on a non-verbal level. Anyway I’m not going to start vocalising all the non verbal shit which I think they believe goes over my head but doesn’t and never has- I think they struggle to see me as mature.

I could sum it all up, here and now, but it’s not worth it. I think it was the generally weird vibe which always seems to creep in when I’m with them both, and then the talking about friends kids who are rich and successful, mum’s silence and then weird jumping in at the end, she got all cagey and clutchy before they left, and then once they’d gone I was left with the feeling of not having anything to hold onto. Me and my friend N, who I met at the Bethlam, have always said- if the people around you could see, just for a day, the kind of hell you go through with this condition, they you’d pray they’d come to respect you a little more. I think that’s the thing, I don’t feel any sense of respect from the two of them, when you look only slightly beneath the surface, it’s on the surface and it’s there on that level but beneath I honestly don’t know. The symptoms have been too horrendous but then again that might only be my persepctive, my sense of things. Welcome to my hell of complete and utter uncertainty for the last ten years. I think I hold people at a distance, and yet can be extremely forceful- and they’ve kind of come to mirror me on the holding at a distance, likely because they woudln’t know how to breach the gap either, yet I’m not sure they’re even aware that any of it is happening. It’s like being gaslighted by an innocent kid.

ANYWAY- all of this fricking uncertainty is really just a front for the issue which is really prevelant in my mind right now. Should I a) go to the shop and buy wine b) avoid the shop and just eat chocolate or c) do both or d) do neither.

This flatness i’m feeling was started by seeing the rents and my own awkward nightmare of uncertainty about wtf is going on there, but then has definitely been perpetuated by the fact that I haven’t eaten any sugar in a week, and my nicotine level on my e cig is low. I’ve been relying on both for a long time and now is probably the time I’ve been at lowest levels in both for ages. So I’m feeling flat, usually I’d have a glass/a bottle of wine, some choclate, a bar of choclate to pick myself up. Lately I’ve been avoiding both and so it makes sense thta i have this flatness in me. It came on yesterday afternoon as well.

But it’s frustrating because it’s a strange flatness. I just want to lie on the sofa, I dont’ really want to do anything and I don’t feel too guilty about not wanting to do anything. It’s like all the options have fallen away, I can see no activity ahead of me and all i can do Is sit and stare which isn’t particualrly healthy. I’ve been playing with the cat a lot, lying on the floor whilst she walks around me. I just feel flat, lethagic and empty.

I’m still debating the wine/chocolate conundrum. This stillness has gone on for too long.

Laters.