the bad guy

hey there boys, girls, and those with a little of both. i’ve spent the last half hour thinking…and i wish i hadnt.

i’ve re-read some of my older posts, the good ones, the bad ones, the wierd as fuck ones…and i dont know what happened. yeah, sure, im still a pretty happy guy, but i’ve somehow allowed myself to change into something i dont wanna be. i feel like i’ve let everyone down with my weakness. kelby thinks i hate him, because we never hang out. dana hates me because we broke up, she’s sad, and i told her to snap out of it. i hurt people i never wanted anything but laughter from…

i had a post a few months ago about my friends, and what they mean to me. after thinking hard about it, im changing way too much for my own good. i still act the same when im in public, but when i get home, i’ve got nothing left. i tend to wind up in my room, either out cold, or mentaly attacking myself for every mistake i’ve made (which as you can imagine takes a while). it’s terrible, because the things i used to enjoy are just getting anoying now. i havent had the energy to actually lift in the weight room for months. sure, i go in and work, but i dont dig as deep, i dont want it as bad. spending time with my friends is nearly impossible, since one or all of us has something more important to do. plus Dana would be there. me + dana = major emotional tension. i dont know what’s happening to me. im reminded more and more often about all the wrongs i’ve commited: hurting my parents with all the shit i pull, i hurt dana, i hurt vanessa. i havent even spoken to gwin in months. i dont konw if laura’s even comfortable around me. i dont think she is. i feel terrible about ditching kelby all the time, cuz he’s like my brother, but something’s just not right. i cant help people for some reason, everything i do makes it worse…i’ve never taken real good care of myself, but it’s getting worse now. i’ve had 2 meals in the last 2 days, i dont sleep much, maybe 4-5 hours a night, with bad dreams…maybe it’s the dreams that are the problem: i always see myself at the center of something terrible, but i cant figure out what it is. maybe all this is what the terrible thing is. i really feel like talking to someone right now, but no one is awake…im alone in the dark…ironic, no?

ALONE

by: Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood’s hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My SORROW; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved ALONE.

Then–in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life–was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a DEMON in my view.

nothing from nowhere, im no one at all. nick.