longing

hey there boys, girls, and those with a little of both. forgive me, but i must have another of my angsty ramblings proving how unstable i can potentially be.

it’s 1:30 monday morning, and i cant watch anymore. damn you A&E, you and your shows about people. sister, they had a show about what you used to do. this girl was alone, and she did what you did. she smeared the tears all over herself, and i wonder, is that what you did? did you wonder if you were alive? she did. did you make designs like the show told me? did you think you were sick? i think im sick… it’s been months, and i still see it in my dreams. i see me pulling it away from you, holding you so you couldnt reach yourself. i remember how you hated me for telling. how i hated myself for lying to you. the night you thanked me, i cried. i still do when i think about what could have happened. why cant i get those pictures out of my mind? do you remember? of course you do…at least now you do, now that i reminded you. why did i let it keep going? why didnt i stop it? i could have saved so many so much. i think it’s best that i never saw it happen. i think i would have been more sad then…why dont you trust me, sister? you know i cant leave you, and hurting you hurts me more. so why dont you tell me when you get a mark? that heart…i think it’s mine. you have it, and hide it from everyone, even me. it’ll always be there for no one to see. im tired sister, i could sleep for a year and still be tired. but i think i’l start with four hours…oh how i long to repress these memories.

nothing from nowhere, im no one at all.