Goodbye 2012

Well, two more days and this year is history.  Most of it is already anyway.

This has been a hard year, and I’m not sorry to see it pass.  Hopefully I can use January 1 as a starting point to see things improve.

I don’t make resolutions, I never keep them anyway so there’s no point for me.  I just want a little peace this year.  No more drugs, arguing, or upset in my home for one year.  I want my kids healthy and happy in mind body and spirit.   I want them to remember their mother without feeling the overwhelming sense of loss and grief every moment.

I want more time with my grandkids, to watch them grow.

It doesn’t sound like a lot to wish for, but it seems to elude us lately.  I don’t know the answer other than lots of prayer and encouragement.  At times it just doesn’t seem like enough, but it’s all I have.

I have lost a little more weight, which is good.  I was talking to a young man who had gotten the gastric sleeve, and is doing well.  Brad told him I had weight loss surgery and he asked me why I decided to do it.  I could have given him the pat story about being super morbidly obese, or cited the health reasons, all of which would have been true to a point, but I told him the true motivating factor for me, and it’s a story I’ve rarely told anyone outside my family, but I thought I would share it here.

In November 1998 my first son Austin was a senior in high school.  He had just received an enormous amount in scholarships because he was a national honor society student and a phenomenal football player. Austin was 6′ 9" and weighed 320, and didn’t have any fat on him.  He looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s big brother, without steroids.

His team voted him Most Valuable Player that year, and it was customary for the parents to take the field with him to receive his reward.  I was so proud to walk out on that field on what should have been a landmark moment in his young life.  When his mother and I escorted him out, we were greeted with catcalls from the stands, making fun of his fat parents.  I weighed over five hundred pounds at the time.  Austin, God bless him, never showed any embarrassment.  He didn’t even acknowledge what was going on, he just smiled, accepted his award, and gave thanks and credit to his parents for our love and support.  I could have cried right there.  I was mortified at the thought that the sight of him in public with me could be cause for him to be ridiculed by kids who had been his schoolmates all his life.  Six months later I had the surgery to lose weight, and that was the main reason why. 

Austin survived to see me lose the first one hundred and twenty pounds, but died before I lost the rest.  I wish he could see me now.  It’s funny, because my kids don’t remember me that big.  I had just started dating their mother when Austin died, and they were still very young.  They don’t remember him, and we only have one photo of them all together.  Brian and Brad were 2 & 4 at the time.  Brandon, at 27 is the only one who is old enough to remember much about him.

Down through the years, I gained some weight back, but not much, and in recent months have been losing again.  My health is much improved from it.  I can walk without knee and ankle pain, my blood pressure and cholesterol are great, and I have more energy at 52 than I did at 38.  I will now statistically live a much longer life.  It’s ironic that the person who prompted the decision to live that longer life is gone from it now.  But Austin was my first child and my training ground.  I have so many memories of him growing into a fine young man and those memories keep me warm on many lonely nights. He taught me what it was to be a Dad, and though I know I’m not perfect  I do try.  And his loss taught me just how precious time with those you love is, and to never take it for granted.  It can be gone in a moment.

So, tonight, if you read this please do two things in honor of my son whom you never met; 

1. No matter how angry or upset you are, tell them you love them before you go to bed, and again in the morning before they leave the house to start their day, even if you can only send a text.

2. If you make resolutions for the New Year, make one to do this every day with those you love.  Showing it is good, but make them hear it,