Purple Haze

You know, I find it interesting that when I write about my tendency to throw down gargantuan doses of prescription narcotics for an undiagnosed condition, everybody is happy and supportive and so on, but when I mention that I’m considering taking up smoking again, suddenly I’m ridiculous and disgusting…

Anyhow, the majority of you will be pleased to hear that I haven’t yet started up again – or even made an official concrete decision whether or not I will.

Instead, I’ve started back on some drugs for my TS, the most commonly used one, which I haven’t tried since I was a little kid. I don’t recall them ever working very well in the past, which I guess is why I didn’t stick with them, but this time around, they’ve been working wonders for me since the day I started up again.

It could be just a sheer placebo effect, considering they’re supposed to take about two weeks to fully get into your system and work their magic. But whatever it is, I’m loving how effective they are on me now!

I couldn’t feel more like a pill junkie now though… I’m at the tail end of weaning off the oxy, so my morning routine consists of throwing down 6-8 different colored and sized pills! That’s including a multivitamin, and some antihistamine to keep my sinuses working.

The down side is, though, that these drugs – perhaps in concert with the last bit of oxy, or perhaps regardless – have some REALLY obnoxious side effects. Which really makes me analyze my determination here – I’ve always said that I’d tear off my own penis to be rid of my TS, but now that I’m experiencing some of these side effects 24/7, I’m starting to waver in my dedication to a tic free lifestyle.

First and foremost, is my vision. Or what’s left of it, as the case stands. I’ve had vastly superior vision my whole life. 20-20 all the time, extremely good night vision, etc. I could practically read street signs from a block away.

Now, quite simultaneously with the increase in medications, my vision has crashed and burned. I can no longer see anything too close to my face, and that includes my PC monitors, without the aid of magnifying glasses. Luckily my friend had a spare pair, so I’ve been wearing them continuously since I started on these meds. I need them to work, read, watch TV, eat, you name it. =(

Secondly, but no less seriously, is the dryness of my mouth. Now I don’t mean sometimes I get a little dry and need a splash of mouthwash to get things moving. I’m talking about zero saliva. Nil spittle. Nothing.

I’m not sure that anybody who hasn’t experienced this first hand could truly appreciate how impeding it is. I wouldn’t have believed it myself before experiencing it myself.

See, saliva lubricates the mouth and throat. When we chew, our bodies produce saliva to help break down the food and speed it from the mouth to the gooey bits inside us. With absolutely no saliva, dry foods, like biscuits, toast, etc. are an absolutely nightmare to force down a dry through.

Also, and possibly worst of all, is when my throat dries out while I sleep. I’m a mouth breather when I’m sleeping, and since starting on these meds, I wake up at least every half an hour and have to sip water to stop myself from choking. Then at least twice per sleep, I have to get up and take a piss too, from all the increased water intake. I haven’t had a good solid sleep since I started on these meds!

Furthermore, one of the chinks in my armor is that I have an absolutely trigger-happy gag reflex. If something’s even slightly not right in my throat, I start retching and dry heaving until the problem is solved. A couple of times already now I’ve almost vomited for not being able to get to my water on time.

Ergo, my dilemma. My Tourette’s tics are literally 90-95% gone. I have a few small residual tics, but all of the worst, most physically damaging and life impeding tics are gone now. It’s hard to not be in love with that as it is. But these side effects are really killing me. I’ve always valued my eyesight as one of my best features, and the whole choking on my own tongue at any given time is really giving me grief, too.

Anyways…

As I mentioned, I’m almost off the oxy now. I weaned down from 80mg/day, to 30mg/day, and then right down to 10mg/day. Now I’m taking 10mg every other day, and in three more doses, I’ll be clean.

Annoyingly though, I expected to be going out a socializing tonight. I knew today was supposed to be a no oxy day, but my back was really seizing up and I knew I wouldn’t be ANY kind of company like that. so after careful deliberation, I cracked open my safe, grabbed my old pills and took a 20mg pill.

Now, just as it started to kick in and take away the pain, I speak to my buddy and he tells me he only got 3 hours sleep last night so we’re not going out tonight.

Needless to say, I’m pissed off now. Not only was I beginning to warm up to the idea of going out and meeting some people, but now I’ve wasted a perfectly good oxy high just to sit around at home doing shit all. Tomorrow’s comedown will be worst now too, than if I’d not taken a 20mg today. It would have been worth it if I had something to show for it, but yeah. Grrr. =/

Can’t say I really blame him, because if I’d had only three hours sleep, I’d be doing the exact same thing. Problem is, he has the only car between us, so my bailing doesn’t affect his plans, but his bailing ruins mine instantly. =/

But no, on the contrary, I’ve been getting MORE than enough sleep lately, if you count the constant water sips and toilet trips throughout. In fact, I’ve been having those little afternoon naps like I used to. So, I sleep through the night – maybe 6-7 hours or so – and then somewhere around noon I crash again for another 4-5 hours. I never feel rested, and I’m always so tired and lethargic. Most of my days just consist of trying to keep myself busy so I don’t curl up for a nap again.

Ahh well. Life wasn’t meant to be easy, I suppose…