Not Witty

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I’m increasingly starting to realize something lately. I’m really very lonely.

Most of the time, lack of human contact doesn’t bother me. In fact, often I see it as a good thing. People, as a whole, irritate me. I rarely leave the house that I don’t end up rolling my eyes and being disgusted with the way people are. I’ve long since got over letting it actually annoy me, now I just have a simmering contempt for humanity overall.

On a more microcosmic level though, I’m really getting lonely and starting to miss certain forms of human company, though. You know it’s been three and a half years since I held somebody’s hand, or kissed somebody on the lips, or stared into somebody’s eyes? That’s a really long time to go without being close to anybody.

I keep finding myself daydreaming about having somebody in my life again. I forget all the realities, like how women always cheat on you, or that I can’t feign interest in a relationship for more than three months, and just over-romanticize the positive possibilities. I imagine the perfect woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. And then, inevitably, I spend some time pondering the fact that I’m going to die alone, and that I’m never ever going to meet a perfect woman, or even a close to perfect woman, and that the only sense of closeness I’m ever going to get again is from getting an escort and paying her extra to pretend she likes me.

It’s really quite sad… =/

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In other news, I’m weaning off my painkillers now. Cold turkey was just a stupid idea. Even crack addicts have methodone programs. I was on 40-80mg of oxycodone per day (1-2 pills), you can’t go cold turkey off that and not go postal and start killing innocent civilians. So I’m down to 20mg a day (until now I didn’t know you could get 20mg pills), and have these little 10mg quick release capsules for additional immediate relief throughout the day. So, as long as I take no more than two of the baby capsules, I’m on a lower dose than before, and getting by. Soon I’ll drop the daily tablets altogether and have just a 10mg capsule when I need it the most, and then I’ll get off them altogether. When I told my doctor I wanted off the pills, he was stunned. He asked me why, and I told him I didn’t like the side effects anymore, being constantly stoned and hazy and nauseated all the time, that I’d rather take my chances with the pain for a while. He seemed disappointed, and said that he would have liked to hear my reason being because I didn’t need them anymore. I told him I’d like that too, but no such luck. So, consider my recent rate of updating this journal, I’d say by the next time you read me, I’ll probably be clean. And then maybe I can write about something else in here for once.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when for several journal entries in a row, all I’ve been able to write about is drug use. How sad is my life right now?

Somebody inspire me.