Circa 1987-1998

October 5th, 2020 – 1:04 A.M.

Watched some home movies tonight and cried a lot over a combination of things but oddly enough my parents wedding. I’ve only ever seen pictures of it. Something about it. Small town wedding of 2 people in their early 20s. Both sides of the families together. My mom’s beauty, my dad’s personality both having not changed one bit. How much time has past and life. It was clear they were in love. I was sad seeing my maternal grandma and grandpa. I was sad seeing my oldest sister who was 4 at the time, so sweet and cute and well behaved.

I almost feel guilty for not being beautiful considering they both are and I wonder if they’re disappointed by how I turned out looks wise.

I also have been reflecting lately on why I am the way I am. How I have always had the deepest urge to be liked and thinking about all these past examples in my childhood and my current every day life. After watching these home movies I definitely feel validated. My behavior was… very attention and approval seeking. Like acting out and obviously struggling with not being the baby of the family anymore. It really didnt help that Kail’s little 5 year old personality was enormous. Not to mention she was ridiculously cute and funny. It’s really strange to analyze as an adult. And frustrating to recognize how much you don’t like yourself.

I miss my oldest sister. It was hard to see her and remember what she was like; her voice, her mannerisms, her motherly nature. Wishing she could be watching those home movies with us, laughing and crying. But she’s gone. I let her down. I know I did. She died in such a sad way. I hate thinking about it.