morning pages

good morning.

so the point of writing in the morning before doing anything else, according to my hazy recall of The Artist’s Way, is to get out the blather that spins around in one’s head. it clears the way to do what you need to do.

since I need to do a lot of schoolwork and such and get to work, I thought it’s worth a shot.

I have been literally making myself sick with stress. or something is.

it started with a massive migraine on Thursday. seriously massive. mindblowing nausea with neck and head pain. absolute worst migraine I’ve ever had.

I remember at dinner on Wednesday, when I had a cheeseburger and fries, with ranch dressing, that I suddenly felt funny. It seemed all too much. I dont normally eat that, but occasionally we do go to Bongo Burger. they use fancy Niman ranch meats and all that. But the fat content or something made me feel weird. and I stopped eating.

Thursday morning I was studying and wearing my glasses, which I dont often do unless I have to read a lot and the font size is small. I was reading on the computer. and taking my glasses on and off, and wearing them far more than I usually do, started to give me a headache. I wear them maybe once a week, so my eyes arent quite used to them, nor to the transition of on and off. and it does cause some headaches.

all I could do on Thursday was to just go to bed and cover my eyes. I was seriously debilitated. it was awful.

last night I did the same thing.

I feel weak and fragile, like it hasnt fully ended. I looked up migraines on the National Library of Medicine website and that’s unfortunately the “hangover” effect of migraines.

which is tough. I’ve got massive homework to do, and literally cannot do it. I’m trying to fit it in where I can, and work on stuff, but not much is getting done and I’ve got a big project due on Monday, as well as the pressure to just keep up with my other class.

yeah, stress causes headaches and migraines, and I’m trying very hard to soothe myself, but not there yet at all.

and the nausea isnt leaving yet.

last night we went out with K’s coworker P and his girlfriend L. P has a tendency to talk about off-color things, like he cant avoid crude and gross things. there always has to be something about someone going to the bathroom or porn type discussions or other gross things.

and I was pretty fragile, just barely feeling well enough to go out. let alone everyone was eating sushi which nauseates me on a good day.

so P starts to talk about someone’s bad trip to Mexico, and indicated it would be crude and gross, so I told him please, I dont feel good and certain topics make me feel worse. he went on anyway.

fortunately the topics were just crude and didnt make me feel sick.

until later, he had to talk about his brother trying to be convincingly sick at work so they would let him go home. in detail.

I could barely get up and away from the table, running into the waitress who was trying to bring us the check, my head was spinning, I needed fresh air or I was not going to make it.

I got outside and started breathing and massaged the acupuncture seeds on my wrist for nausea (I had acupuncture yesterday). I thought I and the others would pay the bill then go outside to meet me.

instead, I waited outside for 20 minutes (no watch on me, so I had no idea how long it was). it turns out they didnt know where I was, K knew I was sick so thought I’d gone to the bathroom.

it was a long, irritating wait.

finally he got up to look for me and I was standing right outside, clearly visible from the windows, I waved to him.

I guess it takes 20 minutes for him to come find me.

they had been waiting for me to come back and didnt know where I was. I hadnt been able to talk, too sick and horrified by P’s topic.

It didnt occur to K that P’s topic would make me sick, I guess he’s just used to P being like this.

let me just say, next time P wants to go out, I’m not going to feel like going.

we had a lovely irritating talk outside the restaurant, where P and L were clueless, I apologized for the confusion, but tried to tell P that the topic was making me sick but he’s blissfully unaware that he caused it.

and K and I had a lovely irritating walk home where he tried to explain his thinking, why he waited so long, why I waited outside and my thinking. sigh.

the acupuncture points did nothing, I just got sicker and sicker, fresh air was ok. stressing about why they were taking so long didnt help.

you know what? I doubt K will tell P that his topic made me sick.

so P is going to think I just behaved randomly and strangely.

Nice.

yeah. really not going to be available next time P wants to hang out. K can go off with his coworkers alone, I’m really not in the mood to try hanging out with P anymore. I have tried to tell him over and over that there are off color topics, that he’s too crude, that it’s gross, but he doesnt hear it.

and now I’m super irritated at him for making me sick.

I just told K I cant take P anymore. That I’ve tried, that he cant stop being crude, I’ve tried to tell him. and I cant take it anymore. He’s not about to change.

K said he’s a frat boy.

I dont care why he’s like that, I cant take it. It doesnt help, we know this already, and it still doesnt help.

K is bummed. sigh. but he has to know I gave it a good try, that I’ve put up with this for a couple years almost. that’s plenty of trying for me. It’s not worth getting sick over just to hang out with P. it’s just gone too far.