wake up coughing

wow, yesterday was really very tough.

I got some homework done, and while getting ready to go work for the afternoon, I had a big emotional panic and I sent K an upset email. I was trying to wait to talk to him when he got home, but I failed.

so I was all concerned about fairness and how I’m juggling so much right now with many jobs plus taking on any extra babysitting jobs at night, and doing all this to contribute to our family, to pay off my student loan, and to save up enough money to pay for school to prevent debt.

and whenever K talks about his educational plans in the future in some kind of medical field, he has talked about taking on student loans again, and then doing a program to work in certain hospitals for a set amount of time to pay off the debts. there are programs so that medical students can pay off student loan debt after medical school.

and the topic of fairness came up because a friend of ours got accepted into grad school, her goal, but she’s in a relationship. now she has to move across the country (from one edge to another) and her boyfriend wants to go with her. so I’ve been talking to her about the impact on her relationship, concerns she should talk about with her boyfriend and their plans to eventually marry and such. I’ll likely talk about her situation at some point separately, since that’s a whole other issue (like I dont really like the guy enough, she could do better, etc). anyway. K brought up some topics that she should seriously consider, like the fact that her bf would be the only wage earner for 7 whole years. she might get a part time teaching job after a year or two at school, but issues of fairness and who is taking on the whole burden and who does what were some serious concerns he brought up.

in all fairness, K was just brainstorming about his future, and yet when I brought up working while in school, he didnt seem too willing. this was ages ago, and we’re talking about intensive programs and all, but it started to bother me.

I’ve been sick for months, and stressed out. and I’m juggling so many jobs and it’s just stressful wondering what each day is, what my schedule is, etc. (that’s been shown in studies to increase stress on workers). and I’m worried about how I’m handling it all. if it’s too much, if I cant handle it.

so we had a big discussion last night about fairness, and about how hard this is on me right now. how it feels like so much pressure. and granted, I expect a hell of a lot out of myself. but I’m afraid to tell him that I worry that I’ll break down at some point. I likely won’t, but I’ve been through hell and fallen apart, that ghost of the past worries me.

I do tend to underestimate my strength. and being sick wears you down a ton. it just does.

I ended up with one of the worst ever migraines with a ton of nausea all day, I couldnt eat at all. I tried going to bed last night, and I just felt like I’d throw up it was so awful. I took migraine prescription medications, I eventually took vicodin, and finally took part of a sleeping pill last night.

it’s a testament of how sick I was yesterday that I woke up coughing so bad that my head is pounding but I feel so much better than yesterday that it seems like an improvement even though it just hurts so much to move. at least the nausea is gone.

(no, I’m not pregnant).

anyway.

K handled the topic really well, he gets tons of points for that. though he didnt like that I sent him another stressed out email (I did so last month too, he pointed out).

my stress level is really high. the school stress is just immense and in part it’s my perspective, and I realize that. I’m working hard but feeling like I am not making much progress which frustrates me. and all of the tasks just take so very much time.

K said I should give up stress for Lent.

I’m considering it. the idea is that if I start worrying and realize it, I’d change my thought pattern to something else and have a few different choices to choose from: a list of happy thoughts to ponder as a replacement therapy.

I’m sort of formulating a plan, wondering if I can actually test out this theory of giving up stress. a lot of it is patterns, choices for thoughts, and I expect my overall stress load would lessen if I made other choices.

and as I’m in school, a lot of what I’d need to do to relieve stress is to actively do homework and not get distracted. get some things done to relieve the pressure.

I’m considering it.

anyway. I’m a fragile mess today. yet I’m off to acupuncture and then volunteering at the library.

this is my list of morning thoughts. my morning pages, a la The Artist’s Way. 🙂