out of the frying pan…

amazingly, we talked this morning and worked things out.

believe me, I was furious. I made it clear this is not how I want to live, that I cannot be his target for anger and stress. that I dont take my stress out on him, and I cannot be his target.

He tried to argue that he had a point and again, I refuted this – how can you get mad at me about the songlist when you saw me working for hours on this stupid songlist? how can you say we’re getting nowhere when I’ve got a list of songs we want to request? we’ve got most of the specific songs (first dance, last dance, etc) picked out.

and where the hell is your list? huh? what the hell have you done? why the hell are you yelling at me about this when I was working on it?

oh. well. he thought the project would take 30 minutes. so he got mad.

and took it out on me.

I told him he doesnt blow up at his boss, he blows up at me because he thinks it’s ok to do so, that it’s safe. he doesnt blow up at his boss because he could lose his job. but he thinks it’s fine to blow up at me, the person who might just stay with him for the next 50 years. which is more important?

i said look, absolute worst case scenario, we lose our dj if we cant get him a list. big deal.

that, or lose your wife.

which one is more important to you?

oh.

and then somehow he got it. it clicked, he realized what he was doing, and much as he must be frustrated, how utterly risky to attack me.

and he really got it, finally really apologized – apologized for hurting me, for making bad choices, for being dumb overall. not the i’m sorry but i have no idea what I did.

so things were resolved as we both left for work. thank god. it was so stressful.

then I show up at work.

they want to do a nannyshare. so I talked about logistical concerns. like how their baby’s nap schedule is not at all possible to do with a nanny share, and how the house isnt babyproofed at all, and how their flat has very steep and rickety stairs and I’d need a feasible way to get two babies outside.

and they got mad at me and told me they cant continue to pay me so much money, they need to save money, so I should be aware of that concern that they might have to let me go. and they hear me saying no to a nannyshare, but they arent happy about it.

which is funny, because I just mentioned the important logistics of working here with two babies. and the dad seemed a bit peeved at me, like, what’s wrong with the stairs?

and I pointed out that the working conditions would be really tough – 10 hours straight with no breaks with two babies and no schedule. they seemed really surprised, like, how is that bad working conditions? I suggested things like maybe a parent could come and give me a break so I could leave for a break. they seemed stunned by this, what? what is a break? that isnt possible. they seemed annoyed.

so I’ve written them a letter, explaining how nannyshares work with sleep training and nap routines. and if they are willing to be flexible on that, then I would be most happy to do a nannyshare with them.

honestly, I think they will probably freak at the very words “sleep train” and nap schedule. right now, they have me doing naps only if the baby doesnt cry. dont let him cry. that wont work in a nannyshare. so it might take them awhile to come off the ceiling and actually hear what I’m talking about. you know, take a few breaths, let go of some control. decide if this is worth it to them.

they are so demanding, and seem unaware that they are so very demanding. they will have to tone it down to moderate levels to accomodate a nannyshare situation. oh, if you’re wondering, a nannyshare is where 2 (or 3) families have one nanny watch their children. they get to pay less than for a nanny who just watches their child alone. the nanny gets to make a bit more than watching just one child, but works a whole lot more. each child gets half the care they would get if alone, but the parents get to have a nanny at a cheaper price.

but for all of this to work, the children have to nap at the same time to give the nanny any break at all. which technically is not a break – a work break, at least in the United States, is defined as being able to leave work and do whatever you want, and not be called back to work until your break is over. If there’s a chance you might be called back to work at all, then it is legally not considered a break, because you never really know when you have freedom.

Interesting that in the legal definition of a break, that it is so relevant to childcare – you never fully mentally get a break if you could be called back to work at any moment.

anyway. I’m seriously anxious, doubled over stomach pain about this, to be honest. too much stress all at once.

I cant take it when bosses act like they arent happy with me and threaten my job. especially when I bend over backwards for them. 🙁 I work so hard, and most families I have worked for LOVE me, absolutely adore me and appreciate me.

meanwhile. I’m supposed to be working on my final. I have to get an A on it (to pass the class, I have to get 87% score overall, or else I didnt pass and I have to take it again, which would be very expensive), so much pressure. instead of working on it during my breaks, I worked on the email to my bosses.