Honesty

“It’s her you like, isn’t it?” asked my mother. “No,” I answered, “She’s a good friend, easy to talk to; I enjoy the exchange.” And her reply: “That’s really all that matters.” It was almost like a slap in the face. This comment made me realize I was lying to myself. Once you despise the presence of the person you’re with, nothing else about them matters. Personality is everything and deep down I have a seedling of emotion growing for this girl whose company I enjoy so much. Sure I love her—she’s my best friend—but now I’m falling in love with her.

It’s funny, many times in the past (and I don’t know why or how), truly rare beauties have come to a term of fondness for me. Girls so gorgeous how could I not adore them in return? Such a lie, such empty compassion. The physical female body is such a horrendously powerful thing. Yet, this adoration I feel now… it’s almost like a new feeling, one even more powerful—to care without vanity.

She could very well be the love of my life but it’s too early to tell, nor does it matter presently. Time will unfold things as need be. But I do know I care for her, would do anything for her, that I feel horrible when I hurt her, that I enjoy making her smile. That’s really what matters now. If we don’t end up together, so be it—better her to be with someone that can make her happier than I could. Sure, I’ll get a little jealous and love is not jealous, but I never claimed my love was perfect. In time we’ll see. Besides, at this point in life we’re not good enough for ourselves. We’re not content in our own skin and that’s dangerous for a relationship. Maybe we’ll be able to change for ourselves and thus for each other. Until all that, she’ll be my best friend.

This “she” I speak of is you. I’d just like to thank you in advance for the smiles you’ll bring me. And now my apologies for times I have, or will, hurt you in any way. Imperfection creeps up on me when I least want it too. One day, though, I’ll be that perfect man and if then you’re not holding my hand, you’ll at least be at the dinner table with my family and the one who is. You’ll be in my family one way or another.