this is what happens

Dear Proof,

I find you in the most peculiar of places. This time, it is October 30, 2011 at 218am. Halloween party ended. I decided to write you when I went to save this file of fragments of thoughts and unintelligible emotions floating around inside me. I need you now, proof. I’m getting ready to make a change and I don’t know what that means yet. The voice that doesn’t speak up very often is telling me that no matter what, I have to do -something-. And that things have to be different. And I don’t know what it means, but I know the voice is right. It makes me a little bit sad. Something has ended. But it’s not going to be the end of me. I’m just getting started. Getting ready for what was meant for me and just let the chips fall where they may. I love you, proof, my only friend who never betrays and always listens. And never bores and looks away. I can always count on you, my love. I’m sorry I’ve stayed away. I’m sorry for forcing the wrong key into the lock and expecting anything to go my way. I should have listened to you more in the beginning. But it’s never too late.

Love always- me

Distance is a place not far enough away.

For some, an excuse.

For others, a chance at something new.

For me, it’s just another day that you don’t see.

If not for distance, maybe then, for make believe.

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You never thought you’d end up this way

Four bedroom house and a baby on the way.

Curtains that match the sofa

And a remote for the garage

Two sets of china

And a room for the in-laws

You must be so disappointed

With all this success

Where will you look to

For an excuse to be depressed?

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I let it fly and you missed it

Colors of my heart flew by

And you were texting

A girl whose name I used long ago

When I wanted to be someone else

Now I’m just someone you don’t know

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I see myself in fragments of

A broken mirror of dreams

Memories in flashes

Unrelated, they seem, but

Vivd are the colors that paint the scenes

Of back when there was still an ocean

And I was worth something to someone

Who couldn’t have been make believe.

When I could have said anything.

And it all could have been true.

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Days pass in this relentless march of time.

Like sand in an hour glass.

This hour is mine.

Each second gets me closer

To the one that will be my last.

But there’s no predicting the end

From inside the glass.

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I am and always have been a bit of a sore.

Festering and healing

And rotten to the core

I tried to be someone once

For someone I was not.

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I do best with short with fewer words

I like to be in and out fast.

If I do this like a drive by.

You can’t judge me to my face.

____________________________________________________

Narcissistic child

You need gratification

In everything you do

Praise and exaltation

And attention

And something new

Bored easily with anything less

Your face contradicts the coldness in your eyes

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There’s a gun safe in my chest

With a big door with a big wheel

And I don’t know the combination.

I’ve never seen inside.

Oh, but the ammo is there.

Waiting to explode.

And you could have anything I keep inside.

If you wanted, you could have had it all.

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I don’t believe you, and I don’t need to.

You think it’s ok, what you do and don’t for me.

And no amount of reasoning can change what’s in your heart.

I have been loved in my life.

And this is not what I had in mind.

You see somebody when you look at me.

But I’m not that girl.

I’m someone you don’t think I could be.

I would never try to convince you.

What would be the point.

I shouldn’t have to do that.

You should have kept looking

Until you found whatever it is you want.

____________________________________________________________

There’s a puzzle on the table

100 pieces to make my face

None of them fit together

It’s really better that way

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