right and wrong

 

In prison, sometimes… people get tired. or  bored. 

And they decide to try to kill themselves.

Most of the time, the assumption is made that they weren’t really trying to kill themselves.

They just wanted attention.

Or they wanted to lure us in so they can shank us.

Or they wanted to be moved to a different cell with a better view…

Maybe be able to see the t.v.

Or be within shouting distance of another Inmate.

Sometimes they sincerely try to kill themselves.

Sometimes they get a little bit closer to succeeding than they intended.

Sometimes they they just wanted someone to care, and trust that we will save them.

It’s my job to save them. 

I’d been making extra rounds all night because sometimes, you just get a feeling. There was something in her face that night. She looked paler than normal, and she was writing furiously for hours. There was a note on her door saying not to wake her for breakfast. If she wants it, she’ll get up on her own. The note asked that no one speak to her unless it was pill call because she was in a bad mood and didn’t want to get in trouble. 

Sometimes they will deprive themselves of food, sleep, medication… in an attempt to bring about a seizure. If the seizure is good enough, they may be housed in medical overnight for observation. In medical, there is a tv on the wall over each bed, and they can watch it all night if they want to, and not have to share or compromise about what channel to watch.

It was just after count time, I’d just passed by her cell, and then went to the top tier. When I came back down the stairs, instead of going to my desk like normal, I passed back by her cell, and in those few short minutes, she had hung herself.

She’s done this before, but I think she got it a little tighter than she expected. I’ve never seen so many blue and bulging veins on someone’s face before. 

I’m not allowed to go in alone in case it’s a setup, as it sometimes is. I radioed for backup, which started arriving within 15 seconds. We got in the cell and held her up to relieve the pressure and then cut the shoestrings and sheets from her neck with the suicide knife. She was pretty blue and definitely passed out. She looked dead but we found a pulse, and she was already breathing again by the time medical got there approximately 3 minutes later. 

I was… angry? I think. I can’t quite remember.

If I had simply been doing my job that night I know she would have died.

If I would have gone back to my desk, like normal, to work on paperwork, instead of making that extra round….It would have been at least 15-20 minutes before I checked her again. Policy states every 30 minutes, but I always make extra rounds, at random, erratically, unpredictably.  That was the first time I’d made rounds back to back, one right after the other. Even if she did predict I’d be back before the normal time, there’s no way she could’ve known I’d be right back.

The nurse said we got to her just in time.

15 minutes would have killed her.

Officially, I did my job. I saved a life.

The thing that bothers me, that I can’t seem to answer for myself…

Did I really do any good for this girl?