6/11/05

I’m very proud of myself.  I just read an email from The Friend.  I had asked him how he’s doing and he replied with a long letter.  He recently got two job offers back in CA.  He decided for now to stay where he’s at and keep learning.  One of the offers was the job at his company he wanted before moving to TN.  The even told him to name his price.  He told them to check back at Christmas and he’ll see how he’s feeling about it then.  I think he wants to keep learning but also doesn’t want to move back yet because of the g/f.   He said they are doing well.  lmao I laughed at this point. He said he’s finally figured out why  he’s never been happy before.  Because he couldn’t get past his partners not being perfect.   WTH have I been telling him for years. People just don’t listen to me!!  They are going on a long vacation to CA in August for a few reasons.  His sister’s having a baby and they’ll be there for the christening, he is checking into some medical issues and wants to see how she’ll handle that part and just to play together and enjoy the time off.  He said he’ll decide then whether she’s the girl he’ll marry or try someone else (his words.. try someone else).   I smiled.  I am truly glad he’s happy. I was surprised at myself.  I think it’s because I’ve resigned myself to the life I have.  I can’t write a lot of my feelings on this subject because of people who might be reading and what others might think (even though I really shouldn’t care what others think), but I’m OK with what my future holds.  I really am my mother’s daughter.

The weather people have no idea what they are talking about.  I know they can’t know things 100% but geez.  The tropical storm is nothing they were predicting.   They then said we had no cloud coverage.  They need to get in the car and drive ten minutes to where I live.  It’s very cloudy and windy.   We’re going to the lake later to see the rough water. I like it when it’s rough.

I made L angry with me this week.  I am truly sorry about that.  We were supposed to get together and I canceled at the last minute.  I totally understand him being angry and not speaking to me anymore.  I just can’t seem to do that anymore. I wish I could.  I want to, I just can’t.  I’m so very screwed up in the head.  For so long we’d make arrangements to meet and when things happened that made it impossible, I’d get so relieved.  I just really feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore, any feelings at all.  I’m definitely doing everything in my power to make that so.  Sorry L.

The other night both boys spent a night at their friends’  house.   They went swimming all the next day and came home sunburned.  That night all three kids slept over at my sister’s and spent the whole day there.  The hubby and I spent our day doing stupid stuff out.  I felt like we needed to do things because we didnt’ have to have the kids with us.  It wasn’t until it was almost time for them to come home that I realized we could have spent quite time at home.  No kid asking for stuff constantly or constanly talking about nothing.  I’m sure there’ll be other days like that.

Today I’m going to teach the boys to do their own laundry.  I think they are getting old enough. 

Monday they will learn to clean bathrooms and load the dishwasher the right way.   They already unload it.  When I was younger than Matt, I was cleaning the whole house and cooking dinner.   I was good with pork chops and meatloaf at the age of 8.  I think they could learn a few things now too.  It will also help when I ever start working like I should be.  Shoot maybe the place will look cleaner if they did it.  It sure doesn’t with me supposedly taking care of things.

I’m off to do whatever.  Have a great weekend.  Bye.