The Road So Far

 And How I’ve Gotten To This Point

Thanks to everyone that left positive feedback on my last entry. Sometimes that’s all a person needs to pick themselves back up again. 

Sam and I had a really long discussion about his reaction to my bruises and how I felt about him reacting that way. I told him that while it is okay to voice concern over me injuring myself (my shins are bruised to hell – it ain’t a pretty sight, even I can admit that), he needs to voice it in a less explosive, less condescending way. I stick by my earlier comments of being proud of the obvious signs of both failure and accomplishment. I see nothing wrong with sporting a few well earned battle scars. Its a tough road, but I’m getting there. 

If anyone has had any trouble getting started or moving past something due to a mental block or feeling of inadequacy, I would highly recommend checking out this video by Ze Frank. (I wanted to embed the video, but it didn’t quite work out. Click the link instead. You’ll be glad you did. ) 

I revisit this video every once in a while if I’m struggling with something. There are parts that I can definitely relate to. For a long time, I was getting frustrated with lack of performance in some areas. I would be working so hard on being able to do something, and then I would get angry, frustrated, and ultimately disappointed in myself. I have always known that I am my harshest critic. There is always room for improvement. Your best is never good enough. 

And maybe I’m putting too much reliance on a video I found on YouTube. But being told, "Let me think about the people who I care about the most, and how when they fail or disappoint me… I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself," and telling myself that it is okay to fail, and it is okay to not get it right the first time really helps. (And, you know, having it come from Ze Frank. That helps, too.) 

Currently, I keep revisiting , "Let me thank the parts of me that I don’t understand or are outside of my rational control like my creativity and my courage. And let me remember that my courage is a wild dog. It won’t just come when I call it, I have to chase it down and hold on as tight as I can."  Courage is something that I currently struggling with. It is hard to face what you are afraid of. And you can’t just walk up and say, "Courage! I need you now! So get our butt over here!" Courage is being in the moment, recognizing that you’re terrified, gripping that fear tight and using it to soldier through. 

Trainer Tim says that ‘Courage is a Muscle.’ You need to work at it just like you would any other muscle in your body. That’s why I went to the park early this morning (before the devil children and their parents got there to take over the play scape) and shimmied my way across the top of the monkey bars a couple of times. That’s why I’m going to be going back there every day that I can to revisit this (apparently) crippling fear I have of falling. It isn’t easy. And I really, really, do not want to do it. But somewhere between April and now, I stopped giving a shit about the things I don’t want to do, and just starting doing the things that needed to be done. I grabbed hold of that this morning. And it wasn’t so bad. Plus, having done it yesterday, I knew I could do it today. The worst thing that would happen would be falling into a giant mud puddle. And… I already spent time in there yesterday. So NBD. 

Also at some point between April and now, we added a second mountain to the list of Things We’re Climbing This Year. Meg, Sam, and I (possibly Paul and his girlfriend, Erica) are climbing Mount Washington. The weekend after Sam and I climb Katahdin. Meg told Paul that we’re climbing Katahdin the weekend before, and Paul apparently said that if we make up Katahdin with no problems, then Washington is going to be a cake walk. Because while Washington is taller, Katahdin is steeper and much more difficult. 

Now all I’m hoping for is an easy time on Katahdin. 

Working more with the monkey bars before then, though. So hopefully I can instill some kind of faith or trust in myself to not fall off the mountain. Maybe I can graduate to climbing trees before the Big Hike. Or maybe I should just get to a rock climbing gym and get some actual experience. (Experience that isn’t bone shakingly terrifying, that is. I don’t want my only experience with climbing being ‘That time I almost fell off a mountain and died.‘)

I just have to remind myself to chase my courage down, and hold on as tight as I can. 

 

 

In other (not so important) news, I’m finally going up to see my little brother’s new apartment! He moved to PIttsfield, MA just after Memorial Day and his graduation from RPI. Sam and I are heading up there when he gets home from work. Its about an hour and a half from where we live. I’m cooking dinner, and I’m really looking forward to seeing my brother!

Hopefully we’ll be able to nail out his travel plans for the end of August. He wants to come with me and Sam on our climb of Katahdin. He can’t come with us for the whole week, because he’s still new at the job he’s got. But its Labor Day weekend, which means he gets a long weekend off. Its going to crush me if it urns out he can’t go, or he makes other plans. I need someone other than Sam with me on that mountain. I love Sam, I really do. But I’m too close to him. Someone told me that your climbing partner shouldn’t be your SO. Because if you run into problems like I did, it gets difficult to encourage forward movement. Like, Sam tries to get me to continue on even though I’m having an anxiety attack, and I feel like he’s coddling me, not helping me. Christopher, although he is my brother and still close, is not my boyfriend, like Sam is. And if he tells me, ‘Drea, just do it.’ I’d be more willing to suck it up and do it. 

IDK. Its one of those weird, ‘It depends on who its coming from’ things. 

And I’m kind of banking on that. Even though I know I shouldn’t be. 

That whole thing kind of made it sound like I an ulterior motive for going up to see him tonight. It isn’t the case. I would be going to see him whether or not he was planning on going with us at the end of August or not.

 

MORE EXCITING THINGS!

A few friends and I have started our own GISHWHES (The Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen!) team! So totally looking forward to that starting. Something definitely worth checking out. If anyone reading this is intrigued by the sound of an international scavenger hunt, feel free to ask me for more informati

on. Even if one person asks about it, I’ll make a whole post about it. 
 

ALSO: August WildFire is happening in three weeks and two days! I can’t wait to go back. June WildFire was an amazing life changing experience. I learned so many new things, met some of the most wonderful people, saw the most amazing things. The anticipation is killing me! At least I have a LOT of things happening between now and then to keep my occupied. 

 

So yeah. This is my life right now. 

ALW