Sorry I’m a Dick

…should probably not be a legitimate apology, but under certain circumstances, I think it is acceptable.

I had my friend Carissa come by this morning. She brought me a vase full of flowers and before I said anything she said she was sorry she was being such a huge dick to me for – admittedly – no reason. It wasn’t some…long drawn out conversation going over every little thing. It was mostly that, and then we both cried and apologized and it was pretty lame. We talked about a few specific things, but have ultimately agreed to stop being so nasty to each other.

I’m not going to say we’re 100% Biffles right now. We’re probably both still a little butthurt over the past few weeks. But things are better than what they were. I think we’re both going to play things by ear and try not to step on each others toes for the next week.

I did my fair share of apologies this morning, as well. I have a lot to make up for with my entire outlook on life right now, and for the fact that I haven’t called that place yet. Every time I say, "Now is the time! I have seen that I need help and this is what has finally pushed me to get that help!" I seem to lose my gumption when I pick up the phone. We’re going to see how tomorrow goes. To say I’m terrified of calling this place is an understatement.

It helped being able to talk pretty much everything out with someone else the day before. Even if everything wasn’t pleasant to discuss, it was helpful to get it out there and organized. Especially with someone outside the situation. I’m glad I have such good friends. I feel like I don’t deserve to have such good people in my life. Who else would stick by me while I’m such a mess?

Tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow is going to be about me.

Tomorrow, I’m not going to do anything Just Because It Will Please Someone Else.

Tomorrow, I’m going to take care of myself.

Tomorrow is an important day. And….I’m not ready for it. But I’m going to force myself to be. Because going through life on a yo-yo of misery is not a way to live. And I have to stop being so afraid of what everybody else fucking thinks of me. Asking for help does not make you a weaker person.

And besides. I kind of already put my problems out on the internet for everybody to see anyway. So who am I trying to hide from?

ALW