Are Things Going to Get Better?

Ever?

I feel like there is no end in sight to this awful way I’ve been living lately. And today is a good day by my standards. Since I last wrote, I have had three more ‘meltdowns.’ Some brought on absolutely nothing, and one brought on by what I would probably consider a legitimate reason.

Carissa and David moved out on Tuesday. They didn’t really tell either Sam or myself that were leaving on that day. But they just packed up and left. My mom says they are like ‘thieves in the night.’ To be fair, the week before, David’s grandfather died. And I knew that they were planning on moving in with David’s dad. (Which is where his grandfather had been living.) And Carissa had said, "Well, David’s ready to move out, like… tomorrow." But they never actually said , "We are leaving on This Day." So I’m actually kind of hurt that they left in such a hurry. But to make it even worse, I’m pretty sure they left because of me.

Carissa sent me a message the other day and told me that she didn’t want me to make her wedding cake anymore, and that they found someone else to do it. And on top of that, she told me that she doesn’t want me involved with anything else in planning her wedding because of the way I have been treating her, and she’s tired of me treating her like she’s annoyance, and she doesn’t even consider me a real friend anymore, and…. I don’t even know what I did.

I mean, I know I’ve been really bad lately in terms of being unhappy. But Sam and I have both not been home for any length of time in about a month. At least. I haven’t been around to treat her poorly. So I just don’t really know what even triggered it. Was I really treating her so poorly? I don’t even know. But it really, really hurt. It still does, because I really wanted to make that cake. I still do. That was supposed to be my wedding gift to her, and now I don’t even know if she wants me in her wedding. I’m supposed to be her Maid of Honor. 

I broke down for a solid hour after getting that message. I couldn’t even breathe, let alone talk about it. 

Eventually Sam got me to a point where I could talk some of it out, but most of it is still bottled up. Because how do you even put into words what that feels like? I’ve been trying to work on getting myself to happier place in my own head. I really have. But then something like this just brings me back down and pushes me further into whatever hole my mind has been living in.

Sam got me to agree to call his doctor the next day and see if he was taking new patients. (I still don’t have a Primary Care Physician.) I told Sam I felt disconnected from everything. Detached. I feel like things are happening around me, but I’m not really participating in them. And I don’t really feel anything except this heavy weight of unhappiness and an unerring lack of motivation. I pretend to be happy in the company of others. I fake the smiles and laugh at all the appropriate moments, but I don’t really feel it. Sam told me he knows what that feels like, because he’s been there. And he’s on medication for just that reason. And while he’s gotten me to the point where I can say I won’t feel so ashamed to admit that maybe this is something I can’t handle through willpower alone, I hit another roadblock the next day.

I called the doctor, and asked if he was accepting new patients. The receptionist said yes. And then went down the line of insurances that they accepted. I asked if they would see someone if they didn’t have insurance (because I don’t.) And they said, I’m sorry, but we don’t take patients without insurance.

I spent the next two hours finding about 30 different doctors in my local area. And there wasn’t a single one that was both accepting new patients and would see them without insurance. Which was bullshit if you ask me, because this city is freaking huge. 

I feel like there is nothing I can do now, because short of actually getting health insurance, there is little else I can do. And I physically cannot afford it. Oh! But you can qualify for the State Insurance and they’ll take care of pretty much everything! Nope. Been there, tried that. I make too much to qualify for State Aid. But unfortunately, I don’t make enough to be able to afford a regular insurance rate.

I honestly don’t know what is so wrong with paying for a doctor’s visit up front if you have the means to do so. I can afford the 100$ it will take to see a doctor right now. I can probably afford that once a year for a check-up. What I can’t afford is to put an extra 100$ a month into an insurance company when I won’t even see most of that money back, because I hardly ever get sick. And I don’t ever go to the doctor, unless there is something really wrong.

So angry about this now. But at least I’m feeling something other than this never-ending sensation of ‘Bleh.’

 

Ugh.

 

On a better note, this upcoming week is my night  to host Knitting. I picked Tuesday, because we’ve all got things going on on Friday. And Sam won’t be home until late on Tuesday : Last week Sam and Pat came to our knitting night and got extremely off color. It was most likely due to boredom. And the heat was something awful. So I don’t really blame them for being so rowdy, but as a whole, we’ve decided to leave our SO’s at home from now on.

But anyway, I think I’m going to cook on Tuesday, just because I really don’t feel like doing more take-out. The salt! Its killing me. I think I’m going to take out one or two of those small pork tenderloins I have in the freezer and make some sweet potatoes or something to go with it. And corn.

I’m really looking forward to Tuesday.

And just think : Only twelve more days until my wisdom teeth come out! Joy of Joys! I’m looking forward to just not going in to work for a whole week. Even if I don’t need to take the whole week off for medical reasons, I think I’ve earned it. I need time to get my head together.

Even better note: Hither and Yarn went to 75% off today! I got my points for bringing in my letter and I got some little things. I got myself a measuring tape that looks like a sheep, and a mug with a sheep on it that says ‘Knit Happy.’ And some tea. And (yes) two skeins of yarn. I can’t remember the brand ATM, but the color schemes were named after inspirational women throughout history. I got the Julia Child yarn. Because she was one awesome lady and a pioneer in the cooking world. I also love food and was like, ‘I can get on this.’

Tonight: I’m in with my boy and I’m going to make dinner (who knows what that is going to be) and we’re going to watch Hamlet 2. Because it is hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend it. (Although if you’re not a fan of off-colored humor, I would recommend passing on that one.) 

Let’s Do This.