I know that there will be better days

I was having anxiety like symptoms that started to get drastically worse the closer I got to the beginning of the school year. Mostly because Idaho was literally doing nothing to stop COVID because they are run by people who believe in Trump’s bullshit. Idaho was in the news for things like mask burning and having the largest number of new COVID cases. I just have to know. How can you be a good person and believe in the trash that Trump spews. There are some black and white, not a good phrase, let me try a different one: cut and dry. Concrete. Fundamental beliefs that I just will not let someone I respect believe in. You have to believe that everyone has a right to be on this planet. That people are different colors and have different stories. That you can’t talk about grabbing people by their private parts. Trump’s irreverent, appalling behavior will always be a stain on our history. Everyone knows it.

Anyway, that’s not what this entry is about.

It’s about the fact that my health was actually decreasing because I thought I was going to have to teach in person. When I was visiting Oregon, I applied for a position for my district’s online program. Two days before I was supposed to be back in my classroom, I got a call that I will be solely online and I dodge the hugest virus filled bullet I ever have. You know I dodged some bullets with guys I’ve dated. Schools I’ve worked out. People I had befriended for a minute. This one though. It was almost simultaneous that my chest tightness subsided once I got off the phone with the online principal.

In my city and my district, there was the opportunity for anyone to apply. I feel a small amount of guilt that I took it. But also returning to my school to pack my classroom up, my principal wasn’t taking it seriously. Some other teachers were not either. This is the first school where I didn’t really make any good friends. The registrar has a boy close to my son’s age so we’ve connected. But really that school was cold. It was the most beautiful school with the most unfriendly staff. It was almost as if they truly didn’t care if you existed, but they were nice in passing. The VP left to be a principal and like five other teachers left this year, including me. Writing that down has made some of my guilt really subside. I feel like teachers are truly in the trenches. Their lives are literally in danger and I just peaced out and walked away from the fight. Like some pretend issue like flat feet. I just gave up and went online. But I’m not all the way out. Some people my age just quit and are literally never going to teach again, which is hilarious because said person would always post about how wonderful teaching was and how students gave her all this stuff. Digress…I don’t want to fight in the trenches for a leader that I don’t believe in. For a group of people in a school staff who I don’t trust. I’m loyal, so that’s a bummer for them, but I also have to believe in the mission to be loyal. My principal has no real mission except not wear a mask all the time and make the teachers meet together.

So I’m set up to move away to Oregon next year, as my whole classroom is sitting in my garage. Parts of it are in my workout room, turned office. I will be teaching in there until they can figure out a places for all of the online teachers. There’s more than 80 of us because over 4,500 kids are enrolled. I don’t know if the district realized the amount of kids that would partake in this.

The only thing you can do in life is control the tiny bits that you’re allowed. The color of the vase. The pattern on your dress. Who you marry. What you name your child. Your job.

So I controlled what I could. I did the steps to get me where I needed to be. I needed to be away from people. I would have been a horrible teacher this year. I would have been nervous and upset. As I get older, my anxiety gets worse, it seems. And now I am responsible for a life, so I also wanted to be healthy for my son. I took him out of Montessori school and now he’s at home with a nanny a few days a week. Again, things I can control.

I had to run a meeting today. For my whole subject. I don’t know how I got on the fancy side of my position. At my school I felt like such a cog that no one noticed. Just a part of a whole thing. And that’s fine. I’ve never felt like I need to be acknowledged, but now that I am I sort of like it and I know there’s only a few places I could go in Oregon that I would probably feel that way again.

This whole pandemic stuff is the shits, man. It’s an unbelievable world we are living in.

And all we can control is ourselves. And I want to control others to make them comply. Make them think this isn’t a hoax. I just have lost more faith in humanity. I never really believed in it anyway. Little glimmers. They’re few and far between now.

I will say I’m excited to teach these kids. The parents put their beloved children online to protect them. I’m going treat them with love and kindness they will need and I’ll do my best to help them feel less anxiety albeit virtually.  I noticed some children on my roster that I had as 7th or 8th graders and I want to hug them and tell them it’s okay and that I’m glad to have them in my room. The last time I saw a few of them was March like…13th. Friday the 13th. I saw them and we had donuts. And I said, well I hope to see you on Monday.

And I didn’t. And now I’ll see them on the screen again. It’s hard.

Everything is just hard.

But again, it goes back to control. I cannot control COVID. I can control how I treat my students. My online position. My family. My shirt. Running. Eating. Lots of control of a world that feels out of control.