What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I’m so over the life I live, some days I wished I could just vaporize and disapear. Maybe it’s a combo of being overly tired and working all of these opening 8 hr shifts for going on 7 dys now. I don’t get much sleep cause I’m a night owl and it’s hard to shut down and sleep before 3am no matter if I take sleep aids or not, then to turn around and get up at 5am and deal with assholes from 6am-2pm not to mention being in a small box which well it’s damn down right depressing as it is, then you mix in everything that goes along behind the scenes that no one thinks about, and people who cuss you out, call you every down right dirty name in the book, and make you feel as little as a flea, and try and hold back your emotions. The male costumers are the worst they will talk down to you like your the stupidest person on this planet. I’m a very heart felt person and it has taken me a long time to grow some thick skin because of this job, and I hate that.

Some days I feel as if my world is crumbling around me, and no matter how much I try to reach up and pull myself out, it’s like my emotions are sucking the wind out of me and I can’t catch a breath, my mind goes on these spirals and I don’t know which way to go.

Then with father’s day coming up.. I just.. ionno I often wonder if my dad is proud of me and the person I’ve become or am trying to be, or if he forgives me for all the things that took place during my teenage years, or for the times I never got around to calling him back, just so many things I’ll never know or be able to ask or say to him… I don’t know how people who lose their parents at a young age or an older age ever get through this. I don’t know where to begin coping or start greiving, sometimes it’s all I can do to stop crying and other days it’s like I’m on auto piolit, some days I have so much anger running through me I feel like smashing someones face in or punching a wall, but on the outside I have to put on a smile and fake it through the day..

Ugg this is why I refrained from writing in my diary… I’m just all over the place with my emotions..

On the bright side I’ve lost 46lbs since December of last year, I still have 6lbs till I hit my 1st goal then by my birthday I hope to reach my atkins weight of 160lbs it’s the last of the weight that’s the hardest. In December I found out that I have PCOS( Pre-Cystic-Ovarian- Syndrome), I also found out that I’m borderline diabetic and was put on medication for that as well so I had to make a life style change and now that my dads dad, my dad, and aunt have passed from cancer and my moms mom, and my moms aunt, and an uncle have also passed away from cancer(years ago), I need to make an extreme life style change regarding my health.

It’s all just too much and it’s really making me feel depressed right now, I don’t do change well at all and I’ve been faced with so much change in the last 8 months.. I can’t handle any thing else I might flip my shit as my sister thinks I’m going to do if I don’t start talking about things.

On the bright side True Blood Season 5 starts up tonight I’m so stoked!!! and looking forward to some sleep lol. I promise I do have some FUNNY stories about some comstumers and pictures to load up. Maybe on wedensday when I’m off I’ll do that.

Sorry about my famous typo’s I don’t have spell check on my laptop, been too lazy to download google chrome..