Day 122

I’ve left the house maybe 10x’s since March 3rd. I wouldn’t call it social distancing, I’m more like socially isolating. I’ve tried connecting with people through apps like reddit and bumble; but its been hard to make friends when everyone else wants to meet in person. I’m anxious about covid but I’m also anxious about having to be around other people.

I went to the gas station last month. As I was walking into the store, a woman in a red van started yelling at me about how I was driving too fast through the parking lot. I just kept walking and luckily she didn’t follow me. Last weekend, I was driving to visit my mom, when I ended up stuck in traffic on the interstate. People were using the right shoulder to bypass traffic (when I checked the scanner, there was a report of an accident on the right side of the highway, so that was dangerous of them). An SUV a few cars ahead of me pulled onto the shoulder to stop the drivers from passing. At one point, the driver of the SUV got out of his car while traffic was stopped, and started yelling at the vehicle trying to pass. I don’t like random outbursts of unpredictability, like that. I’m afraid of ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As I’ve gotten older (31f) I’m becoming more introverted. My level of social anxiety has always fluctuated; however, I’ve never felt afraid for my wellbeing. There were a few times when I would go out to run errands and be too anxious to get out of my car to get what I need. It was never a fear about anything specific. Now I’m afraid for my physical safety.

In the last 3 months, my sleep has become very disrupted. Personally, I need about 9-10hrs of sleep to feel refreshed and I do take a medication to help me fall and stay asleep. Lately, however, I feel like I wakeup more frequently, during the night. My dreams have also been crazy real. Sometimes they’re really good dreams. The upsetting part is waking up back in my life. In my dreams, I have a complete life with friends. The people always change and I rarely dream about anyone I know in real life. But when I wake up, it feels like I’ve actually lost people. It feels like a loss of a person…it’s been very emotionally disruptive. Some nights I’m afraid to go to sleep because I don’t know what I’ll dream about.

I meet with my therapist, sporadically, via video chat. They only have availability two days a week and is at home with their young child. I hate only being able to meet every 3-4 weeks; but I know their schedule is stretched and I don’t want to force them to fit me in if they can’t. I do really like them, as a therapist and I don’t want to start all over AGAIN with someone new.

I hope this website helps me feel more connected to other people, again. I read a few posts by other people already and its nice to see I’m not the only one feeling depressed or isolated.