First new entry: Ten year pause

This is weird. I was having a bad night, and I thought back about this website I wrote my desperate pleas on when I was sixteen years old. I don’t know what led me to google this place and find out that I could read all my old entries.

it’s a decade later, and I’m not sure I feel much different. Throughout the years, I could definitely say I felt different. I felt confident and happy and free from any self harming thought. Yet somehow, I’ve returned. I’ve been feeling more and more like a bother to people.

five years after the original site closed, I went to therapy the first time because of self harm. It helped a lot. I would say that after that chunk of time is when I was most confident.   Then after several years, a few things happened and I began cutting again. I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. I went to another therapist that was horrible and didn’t help me one bit. What saved me is getting a job out of state. I moved. But then..I developed an eating disorder.

i guess I’ve always had one. I’ve always been obsessed with healthy eating. I’ve been scared of unhealthy foods for so long and yet I’d binge on them. Then I started throwing up once I moved. It was miserable even while I did it, but it was miserable in a comforting way if that makes sense. That’s when I saw a third therapist.

im still seeing that therapist and trying to kick this eating disorder and these selfharming thoughts. But I think what I realized in these past ten years is that my family has a lot to do with it. I love them to death, but I think I was emotionally neglected as a child. I fit all the symptoms of a survivor of childhood emotional neglect. And while it’s liberating to realize that that’s why I have certain thoughts, it’s still really really hard to reconcile loving my family with them not meeting my needs.

my sister has been a particular point of contention for me. She gets way more attention from everyone and it makes me feel very insecure. She’s always been skinnier and smaller and more pretty than me. And she’s more outgoing, so people like to talk to her more. I don’t know how to get out of her shadow. I thought moving would do that, but it only does so much.

so anyway, this is really weird. I never thought I’d see this diary again. But I’m very please I was able too. I’m still struggling ten years later, which really puts things into a weird perspective for me, but I’m thankful. I’ve survived all these years, and I’ll continue to survive. I hope any old opendiary writers who have found this place again do so fondly. ❤️