Hopeful Days vs. Lost Hope

 Some days I have hope for myself.  I have hope that I will outgrow this problematic lack in self confidence.  I have hope that I will get over my fear of rejection and fall in love and finally kiss someone.  I have hope that I will have the life I’ve wanted for so long.  

Other days, like today, I can’t seem to find the lost hope no matter how hard I look.  I have this deep feeling in my stomach and chest that I will forever be alone, that my destructive self-image will never improve, and that I’ll be stuck in this lonely, cowardly life until I die.  

When I try to put things in perspective that this feeling will pass and I’ll have better days, I can’t help but start to see through the good days.  I mean, am I having false mania?  Will things never really improve and I’m just kidding myself on the good days?  I don’t know.  All I do know is that I’m becoming more and more closed off from everything.  Relationships of any kind scare me, going out of my apartment without a valid reason scares me, making valid reasons to leave my apartment scares me.  And all this leads to is me hiding out in my bedroom all day and cursed with anxiety that my roommate will come home.  It’s lonely, but it’s not terrifying.  And honestly, the fact that this behavior is becoming the opposite of unnerving is truly freaking me out.  Am I going to get worse and worse and lock my lonely self inside my walls forever?  Please help me.  I wish someone out there could wave a wand and make everything better, but I know that the only person who can fix anything for myself is myself – and that’s the scariest part.