apologize to move forward

 I apologized because I was truly sorry…not because I wanted things to go back to the way they were.  Im fucked up..I know that.  I don’t let people in unless I’m confident that the person will accept me.  Then the relationship moves so quickly because I become obsessive, then I back off completely, stopping communication suddenly.  That’s what I apologized for – dropping everything so quickly and without an explanation.  I don’t know why I do it.  I really really don’t.  But I didn’t want this apology to draw him back in.  I don’t want to go back.  I apologized to move forward.  Yet I’m the same shitty and fucked up person who can’t verbalize that, so I’m probably going to repeat the past.