Sleepless in Waterford…

Here it is 0430 again and I’m wide awake.  Awoken again by nightmares.  And not my traditional PTSD type nightmares of zombies and plane crashes and natural disasters.  This one was people from my past, with me trying to make up to them for stuff I’ve done or didn’t do.  I’ve had the dreams before and they have always been intense.  This one involved Kari, like most do, and it was the same.  I was trying to mend the past and explain to her why I treated her the way I did.  For some reason her treatment by me makes me crazy, literally, and brings on this intense level of guilt.  I guess because I thought she was going to be the one… honestly, some days, wonder if she still is.  I know that is horrible to say, but it is how I feel.  Maybe you look to the past for what you conceive to be better times when your life is falling apart.  I guess I feel she deserved better.  Looking back now I recognize that she was with me when my bipolar was just starting to show thru.  Neither of us knew, but she stood by me when no one, including ourselves, knew what was going on.  She loved me for me.  Now, I know what the disease is, and I have a wife who essentially hates me and holds my illness over my head.  I guess my dreams may not be so inappropriate at all, maybe just a longing for understanding.  If I could talk to her, I’d say I’m sorry, and thank you.  I hope she has a better life now and that she always will hold a special place in my heart.  To this day I hear songs that remind me of her and I think to a “happier” time in my life.  I hope she does the same.

Now I must deal with the daily nausea, again.  You’d think I was pregnant.  You’d think I could find the damn peanut butter.   I need sleep…