A right at seperation, head straight to divorce…

Yup… I’m on my way.  I’ve stopped and gotten directions and I’m ready to join the some 50% of marriages that end in the big "d".

I don’t want that by the way… I really don’t.  But it seems to be the only words out of my charming wifes mouth lately.  She threatens seperation and divorce more than I can friggin count.

And again this is all by her hand… Obvioulsly things haven’t been great lately.  I don’t have the energy to sit and go over it all now… It just makes me mental.  The long and short of it is that she needs to change… Yes SHE needs to change.  I’m no angel, I have my issues I fight everyday, but for 4 years I have been the only one changing.  Someone has managed to keep her childish, self-centered, nasty, grudge holding self while I’ve been forced to counselors, medications and getting my friggin brain zapped!  Yup… but she has the balls to tell me I need to change!  HA!  Time to look at yourself!  I’m standing my ground… I don’t want divorce, just change.  But instead of taking a look at herself and possibly saying ‘I guess I could work on this or that’ or ‘Gee maybe I am a bit nasty / grudge holding towards people’ she just says "If this doesn’t get fixed we are heading for divorce."  Is divorce really easier than taking a hard look at yourself?!?!?  I guess it is for some…

And I will do what is right for me and my son.  If leaving is it, so be it.  I can tell you one thing though, if I get divorced that is IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Never doing it again, never getting involved again, just being me!  Serioulsy… I know Howard Stern said he’d never do it again, but I’m dead serious.  It’s not worth the trouble.  It’s not worth getting hurt.

Now in a completely random other topic.  I’m jealous of those with a hobby.  I really don’t have one.  It drives me crazy that I don’t.  Everyone else seems to have these things they are WAY into and enjoy doing.  I don’t… I’ve tried for years but have always put it aside.  Now look at me… When I could use a hobby the most, I suffer trying to think of what I would enjoy.  And that’s maybe where my jealosy is.  I’m jealous that everyone has something they enjoy and I don’t.  I honestly don’t know how to fix it.  I can’t be bothered getting into something… I just don’t have the heart.  Maybe that’s my bi-polar ass talking.  I do like cigars and enjoy a stiff dirty martini, but I should probably develop a healthier hobby that doesn’t involve probably the two most addictive substances on earth.  NOT that I’m giving them up… FUCK no!  Fact I’m going to have one now… that is a good cigar and a martini.

Maybe I do have a hobby after all…