The Salvation Army

It’s that time of year again, when tripods with a red kettle are trotted out and well-meaning bell ringers and Santas come out of the woodwork like termites from a log on fire to ring bells in that common and ubiquitous annoying way that makes me ever so slightly grate my teeth. I was thinking about that just now, and realized that I don’t know a whole lot about the Salvation Army. Here’s what I do know:
–          They’re religiously affiliated.
–          They give their employees “ranks” like they’re in the Army, and let them dress up to fit the part. Their lapels have gold crosses.
–          Like Goodwill Industries, they survive most of the year on donations of used goods and resell them at thrift stores.
–          They generally get busy at Thanksgiving by rounding up the city’s homeless and giving them one big meal of thawed turkeys, pumpkin pie, and possibly soup (because homeless people like soup). I assume they do this so hobos will have the strength to shop on Black Friday the next day.
About the beginning of December, they drag out the kettle tripods and ring bells vigorously at me as I walk past them. The exchange proceeds like this:
Bell Ringer: ring ring ring ring ring ring… The Bell Ringer rings the bell with a minimum of effort, a mere flick of the wrist, trying to avoid a carpal tunnel injury… ring ring ring ring ring…
Oliver: walks from the back of the full parking lot, annoyed at all the other shoppers, spots the Bell Ringer. Oliver plans his route around the Bell Ringer to get to the door beyond.
Bell Ringer: …ring ring ring ring ring ring…
Oliver: Thinks to himself, “Should I feel guilty? I hate religion and all it stands for, so why do I feel guilty?”
Bell Ringer: …ring ring ring ring ring ring… The Bell Ringer doesn’t even pay attention to Oliver, choosing instead to contemplate the finer points of Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason. Her hand rings the bell with a mind of its own, the monotonous tone always on the same beat. ring ring ring…
Oliver: Thinks to himself, “Don’t look her in the eyes. Don’t look her in the EYES. Ah, I’m finally past. I can now spend money on myself.” Oliver enters the store and, as the door closes behind him, enjoys the silence, until he notices the tinny Christmas music playing on the overhead speaker.
I’ve never intentionally donated to the Salvation Army, but I can’t really say that I know exactly what they believe in. Are they all that bad? Are they any good? So that’s why I decided to write about it.
I’ll start with their corporate website, http://www.salvationarmyusa.org. There’s an “About Us” section with a number of items. Here’s their mission statement, a good place as ever to start:
“About: Mission Statement
The Salvation Army, an international movement, is an evangelical part of the universal Christian Church. Its message is based on the Bible. Its ministry is motivated by the love of God. Its mission is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and to meet human needs in His name without discrimination.”
Fun fact: the word catholic means “universal.” The Catholic Church is the original universal Christian Church. The Salvation Army’s use of “universal Christian Church” makes me wonder if the Salvation Army is associated with the Roman Catholic Church? The word “evangelical” leads me to think that they aren’t. And while the Catholic Church is known for its charity and helping of the poor, I’m pretty sure that they do this within the confines of the Church or organizations that clearly state that they are Catholic. Having an army-like structure with leaders seems to be competitive to the Catholic hierarchy, rather than collaborative. What are they, then?
Oddly enough, members of the Salvation Army belong to a Christian denomination called… wait for it… the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army is officially a church in its own right. Members of the Salvation Army are called Salvationists. It’s a full-blown sect of Christianity, on par with any other, like Catholicism, Presbyterianism, Methodism, the LDS, etc.
The Salvation Army was founded in London, England in 1865 by a one-time Methodist minister named William Booth and his wife Catherine. The Salvation Army was modeled after the military, with its own flag and its own hymns. Booth and the other soldiers in “God’s Army” would wear the Army’s own uniform, for meetings and ministry work. Eventually, both William and Catherine Booth were holding religious services. The Booths did not include the use of sacraments in the Army’s form of worship, believing that many Christians had come to rely on the outward signs of spiritual grace rather than on grace itself. In true party-pooper tradition, Salvationists believe that its members should completely refrain from drinking alcohol, smoking, taking illegal drugs, and gambling.
The Salvation Army website says about its beliefs:
“The Salvation Army was founded as an evangelical organization dedicated to bringing people into a meaningful relationship with God through Christ. Its doctrinal basis is that of the Wesleyan-Arminian tradition. It is composed of persons who are united by the love of God and man, and who share the common purpose of bringing others to Jesus Christ. The word salvation indicates the overall purpose of the organization—to motivate all people to embrace the salvation provided to them in Christ.
“The word army indicates that the organization is a fighting force, constantly at war with the powers of evil. Battles are effectively waged through an integrated ministry that gives attention to both body and spirit. It is a total ministry for the total person. The Army cooperates with churches of all denominations to meet the needs of the community. Those who have drifted away from God and those estranged from their own religious affiliations are often attracted to The Salvation Army. They are first urged to seek Christ for pardon and deliverance from sin. Then they are encouraged to return to active membership in their” [sic—this is how the paragraph ends on their website.]
Their website’s contents don’t surprise me. Salvation is right in their name, after all. However, it makes me wonder just how all the bell ringing is supposed to bring me to a meaningful relationship with God through Christ. The red kettle and the incessant bell ringing seems no more than an attempt to bring my money to the Salvation Army. No bell ringer has attempted to talk with me, much less bring me into a meaningful relationship with a deity.
The bit about them being fighting force constantly at war with the powers of evil is a creepy. Does ringing a bell work as exorcism? Interestingly, there might be some historical merit to this. The phrase “bell, book, and candle” refers to a method of excommunication for one who had committed a particularly grievous sin. Apparently introduced around the late 9th century, the practice was once used by the Catholic Church; in modern times, a simple pronouncement is made. This ceremony involved a bishop, with 12 priests, reciting an oath on the altar:
We separate him, together with his accomplices and abettors, from the precious body and blood of the Lord and from the society of all Christians; we exclude him from our Holy Mother, the Church in Heaven, and on earth; we declare him excommunicate and anathema; we judge him damned, with the Devil and his angels and all the reprobate, to eternal fire until he shall recover himself from the toils of the devil and return to amendment and to penitence.
After reciting this, the priests would respond “So be it!” The bishop would ring a bell to evoke a death toll, close a holy book to symbolize the ex-communicant’s separation from the church, and snuff out a candle or candles, knocking them to the floor to represent the target’s soul being extinguished and removed from the light of God.
I doubt the Salvation Army’s bell ringing has such a reason, aside to part me with my money so they can preach to the vulnerable, which is sinister enough.
I suppose you’re going to say, “But what about all the good things they do for the poor? Think about the hobos!”
Well, I didn’t say the Salvation Army is all bad, either. But which is more moral: to give the homeless a hot meal with donated money because you believe that everyone deserves to be treated decently and eat a meal, or to give the homeless a hot meal with donated money because you want to convert them to be a Salvationist? Their ulterior motives are expressed in their philosophy of the Three S’s: “first, soup; second, soap; and finally, salvation.”
The Salvation Army has eleven doctrines:

1. We believe that the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments were given by inspiration of God, and that only they constitute the Divine rule of Christian faith and practice.

(I wonder what a Salvationist would do if Jesus popped down from Heaven to tell them what to do? Would the Salvationist say, “I’m sorry, but divine rulings only come from the Old and New Testaments. Bugger off”?)

1. We believe that there is only one God, who is infinitely perfect, the Creator, Preserver, and Governor of all things, and who is the only proper object of religious worship.

(Why would the Second Commandment be about worshiping other gods if they don’t exist?)

1. We believe that there are three persons in the Godhead – the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, undivided in essence and co-equal in power and glory.

(Typical trinity nonsense, which is nothing but theologically driven verbal masturbation.)

1. We believe that in the person of Jesus Christ the divine and human natures are united, so that he is truly and properly God and truly and properly man.

(Also typical doctrine for Christians.)

1. We believe that our first parents were created in a state of innocence, but by their disobedience they lost their purity and happiness, and that in consequence of their fall all men have become sinners, totally depraved and as such are justly exposed to the wrath of God.

(I guess “our first parents” is referring to Adam and Eve, and their fall from the Garden of Eden with Original Sin. This is pretty typical for Christians to believe, too, although whether the Salvationists believe in a literal Adam and Eve versus a metaphorical one brings it up to a sharp contrast to biological evidence against the literal story.)

1. We believe that the Lord Jesus Christ has by his suffering and death made an atonement for the whole world so that whosoever will may be saved.

(Typical sacrifice scapegoat mumbo-jumbo.)

1. We believe that repentance towards God, faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, and regeneration by the Holy Spirit, are necessary to salvation.

(Regeneration is a weird word to use. I’m not exactly what they mean by that. Reminds me of an EverQuest cleric spell. [Artifex cast Regeneration by the Holy Spirit for 300 mana])

1. We believe that we are justified by grace through faith in our Lord Jesus Christ and that he that believeth hath the witness in himself.

(When did we start speaking like we’re from the 17th century? And lo, as he spake the eighth doctrine, he spake words that he couldn’tst prove, not one jot, not one tittle.)
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We believe that continuance in a state of salvation depends upon continued obedient faith in Christ.

(Interesting. Salvationists believe that you can lose your salvation by not being obedient. This is probably why they put such an emphasis on “good works,” since you can otherwise be considered disobedient and not end up in heaven after all. They differ from many religious sects on this point.)

1. We believe that it is the privilege of all believers to be wholly sanctified, and that their whole spirit and soul and body may be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

(I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. I think this is what happens when religious people start drinking too much of their own crazy sauce. Anyone want to explain to me?)

1. We believe in the immortality of the soul; in the resurrection of the body; in the general judgment at the end of the world; in the eternal happiness of the righteous; and in the endless punishment of the wicked.

(So, hellfire and damnation for me, zombies and happiness for you. Got it.)
As long as I’m peering at the weird beliefs of this religious sect, I might as well mention a few more of their beliefs:
–          Salvation Army officers must devote full time to Army work. An officer who marries must marry another Salvation Army officer or leave his or her officer status.
–          As ordained ministers of the gospel, they are authorized to perform marriage ceremonies, funeral services, and infant dedications.
–          The organization will not appoint “practicing” homosexuals to posts as ministers, preferring the heterosexuals “whose values are consistent with the church’s philosophy.” They believe Christians who are attracted to the same sex should “embrace celibacy as a way of life.” The Salvation Army only provides benefits coverage for different-sex spouses and dependent children of its employees.
–          The Salvation Army opposes euthanasia, the death penalty, and assisted suicide, and accepts abortion only in extreme cases such as to save the life of the mother.
–          During the 2010 Christmas season, the Salvation Army in Calgary, Alberta, refused to accept toys based on the Harry Potter and Twilight franchises because of a perceived conflict with the organization’s religious principles.
–          In Australia, on June 21, 2012, in an interview with Melbourne radio station Joy 94.9 FM, Major Andrew Craibe, the Salvation Army’s Territorial Media Relations Director for the Southern Territory in Victoria, stated that non-celibate gay people deserved to die. He explained that this was part of the Salvation Army’s belief system, as discussed in “Salvation Story: Salvationist Handbook of Doctrine.” He also claimed in the interview that being gay was a choice, like the consumption of alcohol. Two days later, the Salvation Army Australia Eastern Territory offered a formal apology to LGBT people for his comments.
–          From the 1940 to the 1970s the Salvation Army in Australia sheltered approximately 30,000 children. In 2006 the Australian Salvation Army acknowledged that sexual abuse may have occurred during this time and issued an apology. In it, the Army explicitly rejected a claim, made by a party unnamed in the apology, that there were as many as 500 potential claimants.
–          In New Zealand, before the passing of the Homosexual Law Reform Act in 1986, the Salvation Army was active throughout the country gathering signatures for a petition seeking to prevent the bill’s passing. Twenty years later, the Army released a statement regretting the ill feelings that persisted following this activity.
Well, that’s all I dug up on the Salvation Army. They’re not “all bad”—few organizations are. But they’re stock full of religious zeal, and their motivations are ultimately religious ones. If you want to donate to the Salvation Army, that’s your business—but you should know what they believe, and what your money is intended to do. I will continue to scowl at their bell ringing and walk right past them without donating a penny. If anyone asks if I’ll donate, I’ll say I’m an atheist and don’t agree with their principles. So, the answer’s no.
Goodwill Industries, on the other hand, I’m quite happy to say is not religious: “We are not affiliated with any religion. We believe in the goodness of people and the transformative power of work.” Plus, their logo’s cuter. To which I say, donate away.
Not quite convinced that the Salvation Army’s a bunch of nutjobs? Did you know they actively run an anti-pornography campaign? Every time you drop change in the red kettle, you’re giving money to people who think that the White Ribbon Against Pornography is a good idea, which states “Stop the traffic of pornography constitutionally.” Think of the boobies!