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Thanks to my friend Heather for this account of her recent breakup.

The further she drove away from him, the further she could feel her heart sink in her chest.
She would hear a song on the radio that reminded her of something they’d done together but she held back the tears. She’d always been a fighter. Get it together girl. Don’t breakdown here.

She had a 4 hour drive ahead of her and a lot of time to think. The worst part about breaking up is a draw, she realized. Between waking up, and all the memories. Because your dreams take you away from reality. And if they’re good, like hers were the night before, you wake up feeling great only to come to the realization that your world as you have known it for the past 8 months has been shattered and you no longer have an ounce of control over it. And her dreams had been wonderful the night before, they always were when she slept next to him, even if their bodies were barely touching, let alone intertwined like they had been the night before.

It just didn’t make sense. It was obvious he cared about her, and was happy to just be in her presence. But something was off. Somebody else had been on his mind. He’d done a great job of faking it while he was around her too. She hadn’t had a clue. What an idiot.  She felt so betrayed. And she felt dumb for thinking that by going behind his back she could get it fixed. Neither of them had been in the right. It just wasn’t supposed to be like this.

She almost made it the whole way home with no trouble. But roughly 15 minutes before she would turn into her driveway she lost control. She switched to looser pair of sunglasses so she could wipe at the tears running down her face. She didn’t really register any part of the rest of the drive home, just let herself go and exhausted herself completely in that small time frame.

Her mother was there at the door, ready with hugs that she desperately needed. "Go get in the shower…." and that’s all she really remembered hearing, knowing she could only focus on one thing at a time as she absentmindedly trapsed up the stairs.  Avoiding the bathroom, and the thought of anything comforting, she went and laid on her bed and tried to cry out the last of her tears. They’re a long way from over was all she could think. She got up and turned on the shower.

She took off her clothes and stood infront of the mirror, naked, examining herself. Trying to find something chunky, or flabby to the point that it would make sense why she wasn’t 100% of his focus. She laughed cynically at herself, knowing that what had happened had not been because of anything as petty as physicalities.

She stepped in the shower, realizing that the water pounding down on her ankle was extremely hot. Instead of reaching around and turning it down, she forced her body under it, wanting to feel the water burn her skin. Anything to take her mind off the pain that was coursing through it. What has happened? Why did this get turned around on me? It was his choice to lie and it was his choice to hang out with her God only knows how many times and never tell me because deep down he knew it was wrong. Why am I even wishing I was still with him? In complete shock she felt her body slink the ground and as she set under the pelting water she cried out, "How do I know I even really loved him?" Lowering her head and realizing that she couldn’t tell the water from her tears she felt her whole heart swell as she said, "Because I DO love him. With every ounce of my being." And knew whatever they had to go through would work itself out and bring them closer in the end.

He needed his space. She needed hers. She knew a break was needed, she just didn’t have it in her to make him think that she felt any different. Because she didn’t. It was just time for some alone time.

It’s still her first day after the breakup and she still finds herself crying at random memories, and she’s terrified to go to sleep, afraid she will wake up having forgotten once again, only to be cruely reminded moments later. She wants to call him and just exsist on the same phone line with him. But she knows she can’t. She has to let him do what he needs to do. She forces herself to eat because she knows she needs to. She tells her sister, "I need him to call me and tell me he’s sorry and that he’s realized he can’t live without me. That he needs me."

Her most terrifying thought is that he could spend this time away from her with the other girl. There is no chance for him with the other girl, and she wonders if it’s a bit of infatuation that came on in a time of extreme emotions. But it doesn’t matter either way. It doesn’t even matter if he does spend all his free time with the other girl.

Because he’s no longer hers.

At least not for now. Deep down she truely believes it will work out and they will come back stronger than ever. This part just really sucks. But it’s worth fighting for.

And she wants him to know that she still loves him and is angry at the situation not him. She knows it needs to be dealt with. It just sucks.

*Love Until Later*