2/9/09

I often wonder why I do the things I do, I sometimes question whether I have
Made the right choice or the wrong choice, I often wonder if my questions will
Ever be answered.
I am very thankful and very glad that “R” has been in my life and has been there with me
To help me, be there for not only me but for my daughter as well. Am I only holding on because I am afraid to let go, afraid my daughter isn’t going to have a daddy in her life?
I am so lost, so confused.
I am sad that my daughter’s real father isn’t in the pictures and sad that he chooses not to be in the picture sad that he and his family don’t think she is his and for that I will never understand. How can parents turn there backs on kids, turn and walk away. My dad left me and my sister and my mom when I was in 8th grade and I miss him so much. I have emptiness and a part that is missing in me and in my life. I know one day I am going to have to explain all of this to my daughter, about my father and about her father and that is one day that I am not looking forward to. It does hurt, more then you know. I know that one day we are better off, but the next day I question whether we really are better off. I know that the only reason I don’t take him to court or get a paternity test is because of my mom. I know that she is terrified of someone taking her away from me and my family. I don’t know maybe with my tax return I will surprise her dad and order a test. I just know I can’t have it mailed to my address at home because I live with my mother. I want him and his family to know that I never cheated on him and that I did love him very much. They are missing out on such a smart, good little girl and that makes me sad too. For some strange reason I still miss him and I still do love him, he asked me a month ago if we were still together where I think we would be. He also told me that we were just too different. I believe that no matter what and believe that no matter how much you love someone you can and will always find a way to make things work and he doesn’t believe that. I was kind of blown away by the question and I know I over think things and it has been on my mind a lot. It is like pulling pins and needles for him to talk to me and even answer me back whether it is over an email or be over a text message, he always tells me he is just so busy. I don’t think asking for an hour of your time to sit and chat with me is asking too much, but I guess for him it is. I wish I could close my book and walk away and I am not sure why I am not able to do this. She reminds me of him every day, some of the things she does, the way her hair is, when she holds her utensils with her left hand. I try so hard to be strong every day. Will the hurt and the pain one day go away? The hurt that not only him but his parents have caused me and will cause my daughter when she is older and knows about him and his parents? She is my little miracle and my little angel; she has changed me and my world.