19/06/2020

I want to write, I want to work on my book but instead I come onto here or watch netflix or do things around my flat. I just watched the start of an interview with Margaret Atwood and she said that if you’re not writing and you want to be then you’re scared of something. It got me thinking. I think the thing I’m scared of is moving on. In my mind I’ve got the idea that if I start writing, when I start writing regularly it will be the start of something new, the end of the whole relapse episode of last August onwards. It will be moving on from S, from all of the madness and mayhem of the last six months of last year. It’s been six months since I left hospital, but I still have weaker moments when I think about being there, and times when I almost miss it. It;s the same as it was last time around- all I wanted, whilst I was there, was to be out. But now I find myself looking back almost affectionately. It’s often easier to image all the things you want to do with your free time, than it is to put those things into practise. I’ve allowed myself this time, because, as I said to a friend today, I took a pretty heavy hit last year. Mentally and physically I went through the wringer and so I’m not took fussed about the 12 hour sleeps. They seem to be getting a little better, in that I think I slept for ten hours last night rather than twelve. But I figure I must simply need that sleep at the moment. I’d allowed myself, I think for the last two months or so, up until the end of June to remain in this undisciplined state. Now that this deadline is looming, I’m feeling ok.

The thing is now my focus has shifted a little bit, as I will hopefully be moving in the next couple of weeks. So I’m still struggling with kinda, splitting my focus. It’s like now that I’m moving that is the only thing I can focus on when realistically I could be writing now as well. I think the best thing would be to get up and work for three hours writing. Then take a break and focus on other things such as researching extinction rebellion etc. This is the other thing which I know I need to be doing- no that’s wrong. This is the other major thing which I want to be doing but am not. It’s funny I just flashed back in my mind to doing assessments at work, and I guess I would say at the moment that my motivation is low. I’ve got all the ideas, I’m just struggling to act, I’m struggling to put my ideas into action.

Anyway laters, I got distracted and now my chain of thought has got slippery. Might write more later.