Friday Revelations

Have done some heavy thinking this last week and I uncovered some things. I tend to deny or play down anything negative with myself. I hide things from others and sometimes from myself. I am well aware I do this so feel I’m a little ahead of the game but I also know that in time, I can no longer keep up the charade.
I tried to look at my life and myself like reviewing a movie. I also re-read some of my entries here and this is what I found.
I quit Prozac in mid January, doing so with the guidelines from my doctor. Everything seemed fine for quite awhile.

Recently I’ve found myself cranky, which I told myself and others is what I planned because I wanted to be an cranky old lady, who spoke her mind and didn’t care what anyone thought.
Then I started becoming angry, first only annoyed and then, seriously annoyed.
Soon I was crying over everything. I couldn’t listen to beautiful music without crying. Sure, really beautiful music can make you cry but all lovely music??? No, that’s not right.

I kept really really longing for the past. I could only see the glory of the past, none of the bad and I wanted to be back there. I mostly wanted to be a young mother again with my kids.

I can’t think about how much I love my daughter without crying. I know enough not to try and think about my son or I may never stop crying. Anything emotional, and there I am crying.

I finally talked to Terry yesterday morning. I told him I was hiding a lot from him, which after 23 years he knows well but I can still be good at being secretive. I told him that I think I need to go back to Prozac. He wholeheartedly agreed. Talked with my daughter and she agreed, telling me about her experiences with and without it.

Right now I’m reading a book about Prozac. I can devote a lot of time to this as Terry has left for a couple days to help another karate school in the desert area, about 3 hours away and will return tomorrow evening. The book is mostly pretty dull but here and there, I’m learning things. I’m finding out that there are long-term effects of grieving and clinical depression, and it’s very clear that they result in physical and permanent changes to the brain itself and to brain chemistry. Now, I’ve never been depressed but I sure have dealt with serious and multiple grief situations in the last few years. I’m thinking that the effects of so many tragic events in such a short time could most certainly cause some serious problems. I’m lucky that I never had any of the few side effects with this drug. I only had good effects and I’m ready for more.

I know I am my own worst enemy. I’m harder on myself than I should be. I prefer to be stoic and I prefer to always be in control of myself. I know I got off Prozac because I saw it as a “weakness, a crutch.” And as stubborn as I am, I’m glad I can finally see the light and make changes when changes are needed.
I may have permanent changes in my brain or I may not have given myself enough time to recover from everything that happened. Whatever it is, I’m no longer happy and laughing like I used to be and that needs to change.
I still had a refill on my prescription so I started taking it yesterday and I have an appointment on Monday to see my doctor. I’ve read that it takes awhile to see results but better sooner, than later.